The Storms

"When it rains, it pours...*sigh*" 
Those words slipped from my lips.  Then, I believe the Holy Spirit gave me a moment of clarity; and I was reminded of a video* I saw years ago:
_________________________
There was a man covered in grime. 
He was filthy and holding a holey umbrella.

Enter: thunder and lightening...
Irritation, and even fear, appeared on his face when the storms came. 
He fought to stay dry under his umbrella. 
He did everything in his power to avoid the downpour; but as the rain continued (and his coping mechanisms failed) the water finally reached him.

The cold shock and stinging of the rain. 
The frightening thunder and lightening. 
They were disturbing his perceived comfort, but as the storm pelted his sludge-covered body...the purifying water cleansed him.
_________________________

Too often we fight against the storms of life, but God is able to use them for our good - and His glory. We must rest in His promises. He is the calm in the midst if the storm.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
² When you pass through the waters, 
    I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, 
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze. 
³ For I am the Lord your God, 
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;"
Isaiah 43:1-3



*I've tried multiple times to find this video online so I could cite the makers of the video and give them props.

Should I eat Chick Fil A or crow?

People I respect stood in long lines to buy chicken and support Chick Fil A.
People I respect are currently boycotting Chick Fil A and calling them bigots.

I haven't shared much of an opinion in all of it.
I've probably even been a little self-righteous while "rising above" it all.
But then it happened...and I got taken down a few pegs.

Clay hurt my feelings on Saturday afternoon.
I felt that he stepped on my "rights".
I knew he was WRONG (I'm telling you, even God would think so)...and I told him so.
I made it clear  - through my body language, my tone, and my words - that He treated me unfairly.
After my little fit, I stormed away and went to take a shower.

God talks to me a lot in the shower. (Maybe it has something to do with being totally exposed, but I tend to listen better in there.)

As I angrily lathered my hair and grumbled about Clay, all the thoughts I've had toward BOTH sides of the Chick Fil A/Gay rights debate came FLOODING back to me.

All week I kept thinking, "People are much more likely to process a differing opinion (or actually change their mind) when spoken to with love, face-to-face (and perhaps while drinking a mocha). I definitely wouldn't change MY mind if I was busy defending myself because I felt attacked and people were calling me names."

Although I didn't call Clay names (out loud), I surely didn't give him a mocha and speak kind words out of a loving and humble spirit.

All week, I kept thinking, "The 'issues' are NEVER more important than the person with whom we are speaking. The person God made in His image. The person that needs to see God as much as we need to see God."

Except Clay (apparently). I decided that my issue was more important than respecting him in that moment. My feelings were more important than humbly showing Christ's love to Clay (even if he WAS wrong). *sigh*

I hate feeling this need to prove I'm right and get my way.
I don't even like my compulsion to prove that God is 'right'.
(Like He needs me to prove anything for Him.)

The Holy Spirit reveals truth to those who seek Him. (John 16:13-15)
I want to help others (even Clay) be inspired to seek Christ and hear God's voice for themselves. When God is the focus, He can change ALL parties involved...even me.

I need to let others have their own opinions - even if I think they are wrong or not biblical. 
God gave everyone the freedom to seek Him or deny Him.
I need to let them apply that freedom.

If I stop focusing on me and focus my eyes on God when I don't agree with someone, I might just reflect His joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control in such a powerful way that they would be drawn toward Him.
That sounds a lot better than being right.

The problem is, I'm spoiled.
In my marriage, I think I am supposed to be catered to heard because my husband loves me dearly. I assume I should have the freedom to whine (and maybe stomp my foot) if I don't get my way.
That's how it works, we tend to get a bit entitled when we have good things.
Since we have freedom, we expect freedom; but who says we "deserve" this freedom?
Who says that freedom REALLY matters?
Freedom to speak, freedom to marry whoever we want, freedom to believe whatever we want to believe...
This life isn't about our freedoms through the law; our freedom in Christ is much more important.

It is freeing to know that God can use ALL things for our good. (Romans 8:28)
It is freeing to know that God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

These promises provide peace...and freedom.
Sure, we can use our votes to express our beliefs, but we can't expect to legislate hearts.
If we lose the vote (regardless of the 'side' we are on), God can use it for His glory and others can be drawn to TRUE freedom.We need to focus on that and let God move through us instead of reacting to differing views out of fear.

So, I apologized to Clay.
I ate my crow and admitted that my response to him was disrespectful and that he matters more to me than being "right". We didn't really settle the issue, but there is respect and love in our home while we trust God to guide our next steps.
I got down off my self-righteous box and realized that I am no different than all my friends who have been so vocal in all their emotions and 'rightness'. I just hope this lesson sticks. I don't like the taste of crow.
And I hope that my lesson can help others evaluate their own actions.
Trust me, I'll share my crow with you if you need to eat some too.

Intimacy

My eyes get big and I shoot a warning look at my dear husband. 

In my head I think, "Don't say it."

He slyly grins, raises his eyebrows and nods mischievously.

I purse my lips (trying not to smile at him, but it shows in my eyes) and he knows I'm thinking, "It's inappropriate, you are going to cross a line for some of these people."

He evaluates the situation...and sometimes it is enough that I know what he is thinking, so he gives in to my wishes and holds his tongue...sometimes.

________________________________
Without a word, we have conversations.
Funny how we can do this with our spouses, our children, our closest friends.

It's like telepathy. 

It is possible, because we know each other well. 

We have put in the time.

We have listened. 

We have been authentic.

This is intimacy.

Intimacy is being able to finish each other's sentences...because we've spent so much time interacting that we KNOW how the other will respond.

Intimacy is connection...and it is something I'm seeking more of in my spiritual life. 

I want to think the thoughts of God. 
I cannot finish His sentences - because I haven't spent nearly enough time with Him to know what He is going to say.

I've always dismissed this little matter of fact.
I mean, how am I supposed to be so close to GOD that I think his thoughts when He's not sitting next to me telling me jokes and laughing in a high-pitched cackle...or low, slow groan. 
SEE, I don't even know His laugh! 
If I don't know Jesus's favorite food, how He takes his coffee, or whether He thinks farts are funny or crude...how can I have "intimacy" with Him? So, I justify my lack of closeness.

For years, I vaguely loved God. 
What's NOT to love? He encompasses all things GOOD. 
Then, I got challenged that my devotion to God should be more than good "feelings" or heartfelt theories...so I started to look toward Christ.
How did He live? What does loving God look like when it's lived out?


That was a good step. 
I started to "get to know" my God by reading about Jesus and trying to live like him, but I was still constantly trying to "figure things out". 
I was gaining knowledge, but how was I supposed to apply it? 
There is just TOO MUCH good to do! How could I decide?
I wanted Jesus to show up as a man in my living room and TELL me, but He REFUSED.
There seemed to be so much guesswork in this faith thing. 
There is always MORE to do, more to learn, more, more, more...
It would be easy to just sink into apathy with my brain twisting up in knots, but years of foggy understanding had left me wanting. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel.

Matthew 7:7 says:
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." 

The more I seek, the less cloudy things keep getting.
My Sunday school class has been reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God.
I also just finished listening to Corrie ten Boom's book Tramp for the Lord.
Both are very HOLY SPIRIT focused. I don't think it's a coincidence that the timing of both of these books coincided in my life. 
God must have decided I needed some help on my journey for "more".


As I read, both authors seemed to be saying "If you are a Christian, you SHOULD be hearing God...and if you aren't, you are doing it wrong."
I turned to scripture to see if I found the same message or if these Christians were off-base.

In seeking, I found a missing piece in my spiritual puzzle (more like a whole side of precious border pieces). Oh, I knew the pieces were supposed to be there. I knew that knowing the Holy Spirit was part of knowing God. I had searched and researched and looked high and low for those puzzle pieces on a number of occasions...but they must have fallen behind the heavy hutch in the dining room - because it took a supernatural moving team to expose them to me.


In John 16:7, Christ said, "It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you."
As I read the context around that verse, it's as if Christ is saying that living with the Holy Spirit is even better for us than having JESUS sitting on the couch next to us. 


The Bible says, God gives the Spirit to those who ask Him. (Luke 11:13)
The Spirit LIVES IN US. (1 Cor. 6:19)
If we ask, we can have GOD. IN. US. 
Wisdom, power, revelation, knowledge, truth, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control...all things GOD - pulsing through us. 
So, WHY are we not experiencing an intimacy where we finish His sentences and know God's thoughts?
*smack!*

Wow! That thought has changed me in the past month.
I've started acknowledging the Holy Spirit instead of squelching Him.
I've started asking Him questions and EXPECTING answers because it has been PROMISED to me in scriptures. He is a being that wants RELATIONSHIP with me.
I've started listening and ASKING God to make sure I know it's Him.
I've started memorizing truths about the Holy Spirit so when the world tells me that "hearing" from God seems a bit unrealistic, I can be reminded that those thoughts are OUTRIGHT LIES.

It's been a month of tears. I'm just not used to all these Jehovah Shemmah (God is there) moments. It's been overwhelming...and Beautiful. (with a capital B)

If you are seeking as well, I'd love for you to join me on this journey.
We can pray for each other - that God helps us move the heavy furniture that is keeping us from finding all the pieces of the puzzle.
It's a beautiful picture He has created, and I want to see it ALL.

Goose Bumps...

This morning I swapped some "Jehovah Shammah Moments" with a friend over coffee. (Actually, I had a sugar-free vanilla chai which tasted like CANDY).
But I digress...

Jehovah Shammah means "The Lord is there."
You KNOW it's a good story when you get goosebumps and tears in your eyes while listening. (Well, maybe your body doesn't respond to good things in that way...but mine just can't keep it all in, the energy has to find an outlet!)
She has such great stories! (Quick plug: you can read some of her stories here on her blog.)
After I wiped my nose and blotted my eyes, I got to thinking about the MANY times God has looked at my little family, watched us wrestle with some little thing; and made His presence known in a Big way.
As my girlfriend said this morning, "Those little nuggets of gold shouldn't be kept. They need to be shared." (or something along those lines.)
I agree - so I'm sharing. 


Goose Bump Moment #1
Eight years ago (ish), I lost my wedding rings. 
Both of them. The most expensive anythings that we owned outright.

Photo Credit

I had placed my rings on the nightstand by our bed (because I had gained a bit too much weight, but we don't need to remember that part of the story...)
I also had a child who was under the age of two (plus a three and a half year old who was GREAT at distracting keeping Mom's attention until it was "too late".)
Yah...you are way ahead of me already, aren't you?


By the time I realized my valuables were gone, they were no longer a thought in my little boy's mind. 
I asked him about them. 
He grinned big, nodded his head, and took me by the hand around the house...showing me toys and books and pieces of lint, but no rings.
I tore the house apart. I looked in couches, in vents, in trashcans. (I should add that my mom thinks that I threw HER wedding rings away when I was about the same age.) I knew this was history repeating itself. WHY had I not LEARNED from my mother's mistake?!


It had been almost a week. 
I was at the end of my rope. I had lifted frantic prayers in my search as I opened cupboards and sorted toy boxes. 
I finally resigned. I was NOT going to find them on my own.


Usually, sleep comes easy for me. (A trait my husband envies.)
But on one particular night, sleep eluded me.
I was lying there contemplating a Walmart run to find a simple stainless steel band I could wear. (I love being married and needed a ring to "tell the world.")
I started to talk to God. 
In the quiet.
In the still.
I prayed. Earnestly...and ready to hear an answer.


"Jesus, if those ring haven't gone out with the trash. If those rings are findable. Please reveal their location. If not, I'll accept that you can use this for your Glory. I did learn about the grace and love I can have toward my children...even if I want to STRANGLE them. And I learned about the grace and love Clay has for me...instead of strangling me."


As. Soon. As. I. finished. My. Prayer...
Pillows popped into my head.
Two ugly denim pillows sat next to the TV...they had zippers on them where they had been stuffed full of stuffing.
My toddler liked to unzip things. He would play with those pillows on occasion.
I jumped out of bed. My heart was racing. (Clay was completely befuddled.)
I nearly kicked the couch and stepped on 2 Hot Wheels cars as I stumbled in the dark to find those pillows.
I reached down, unzipped a pillow, put my hand in - and felt delicate metal...right on top, waiting for me.
Talk about tears and goosebumps.


God is ready to step in...when we ask.
And yet, I do not ask often enough.
And sometimes when I DO ask...I'm not ready to hear the answer, or I do not LOOK for his answer, or I do not see and ACKNOWLEDGE it.
"You do not have because you do not ask God. ³ When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." James 4:2b-3
Lord, You are always there. 
Jehovah Shemmah.
I want to open my eyes to that reality.
I want my boys to witness your presence...even if it's through MY faith.
And I want to shout it to the world.




Linked up to Hip Homeschool Hop, Loving Our Children Tuesday, NOBH

The Qualifier

Photo Credit

When I speak about my husband, I tend to share about rainbows and lollipops and romantic gestures. According to my blog and many conversations I have with friends, you'd think I married Superman.

I once had a friend say, "You don't even know how to complain about your husband properly. You always preface your remark with 'Clay is such a good man, I don't know WHY I'm so frustrated with ______.'" 

(That's some tricky punctuation - a quote within a quote at the end of a sentence? Looked funny, but it's right - I Googled it.)

I digress...

I'm here to announce that...
Wait for it...

Clay.
Is.
Not.
Superman.

He irritates me, he "ruins" moments, and (on occasion) he has a nose hair try to escape his right nostril. The thing is, if I choose to focus on the imperfections, I KNOW my marriage will be difficult. So, even when I'm alone with my own thoughts and catch myself glaring holes into the back of a family member's head...I try to stop myself. I try to list the things I love about them. I try to focus on the greater good. I try to focus on the bigger picture. I try NOT to focus on ME.

Notice I said, "I try..."
I'm not Superman (or Supergirl, or Wonder Woman) either.

How is your thought-life? Do others see the good in your spouse because that is what you have shown them? Do you defend and protect the good in your spouse? He/she is made in the image of God. There IS good there...are you looking for it? And are you letting your spouse know that you see it - and are thankful for it?

Challenge:
Let's write down all the things that our spouses do - that we may take for granted. And let's make sure that we DON'T take them for granted...at least not today.

• He went to work to earn money.
• He shares that money with me and the kids.
• He made more coffee than he needed so I would have some to drink too.
• He snuggled my son when he woke up.
• He called the bank. (I didn't have to!)
• He kissed me goodbye.
• He...

I bet this list will be pretty long. I think I might need to show him the list too.

No pictures PLEASE!

Photo Credit

My life would be easier without photography.
It may not be as well-remembered, but it would be easier.
Hmmm, without photos:

1. I wouldn't have guilt over scrapbooking (or should I say, NOT scrapbooking?)
2. I wouldn't get overwhelmed by the thought of ORGANIZING 10 million digital photos from the last 11 years (give or take).
3. I would never have a reason to think about how to hold my head "just so" to keep my face from looking fat.
4. I wouldn't have to come up with comical, clever little sayings to make my kids give AUTHENTIC smiles. (OK, sometimes I'm pretty funny and crack myself up, but sometimes it's a pain.)
5. I wouldn't have to see myself in photos and question the mirror that I look into each morning. (I KNOW my butt didn't look that big in those pants when I looked in my mirror - because if it had, I wouldn't have left the house in them.)
6. I wouldn't have to be judged by my photo Nazi friends as I DELETE MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF PHOTOS. Do you know how many cute photos I have of my kids? If it's not funny or painstakingly adorable - DELETED!
7. I wouldn't have to question my heritage. Was my great-grandmother a Satan worshiping heathen? Because when I look at most photos, I think I have her eyes - fiery red.
8. I would get to experience each moment as it actually happens rather than seeing it through a camera lens.
9. I wouldn't be irritated that my kids quit being cute RIGHT WHEN I GOT OUT THE CAMERA. Instead, I would just enjoy them being cute.
10. I wouldn't have proof of how thin I use to be or how much hair Clay used to have...
    Oh wait. I remember why I LIKE having cameras. Proof.

Linked to Top Ten Tuesday and Hip Homeschool Hop

Irritating

Lately, I've been annoying myself.
I cringe at my behavior, but I can't STOP.

I keep thinking, "HOW do I have any friends? I'm sick of myself. Thank you, Lord, for big grace."

I'm just so stinkin' wishy-washy. 

(Well, today I think I am...tomorrow I'll probably think I'm just "flexible".)

One month, I am on a sugar-free, no-carb diet; and the next day I'm suggesting that we all go out for ice cream.

I want to lose weight so my pants will fit, but I also want to love myself and be content JUST as I am.
One moment, "I'm so excited about my new method for doing chores!"...or my new Bible reading plan...or a new habit I've started (see this blog post ). 
And the next minute, it was "just too difficult to maintain"...
Or I was "too tired to bother"...
Or "I was blogging, so chores just had to wait."

I just can't seem to make up my mind. Ever.

(Check that...I'm decisive all the time - my decisions just don't manage to stick for very long.)

*Did I just waffle about how indecisive I am? Oh bother...*

In Romans 7:14, Paul wrote, 

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Oh Paul, you "GET" me!
It drives me CRAZY when people adamantly say they are "going to change"...and then they don't. And that is EXACTLY what I keep doing!

I know God has me on a path where my flaky patterns will eventually give Him glory as He shines His light and life into each little crevice of my world, and HE changes me. 
But what do I do in the meantime? (You know, during the beat-my-head-against-the-wall-because-I'm-just-not-learning-the-lesson stage.)

My vacillating opinions aren't even the main problem. 
In fact, they may not be the problem at all. (Yes, even MORE wavering as I keep proving my own point.)

The crux of it all is my need to SHARE about each. and. every. flip-flopping. thought.*sigh* 

If I would just control that little tongue of mine, nobody would have a clue how incredibly erratic my thoughts and opinions actually are. I could FOOL the world into think I'm not insane if I would just SHUT UP.

Source: hiphomeschoolmoms.com via Becky on Pinterest

Hmmm, the pastor has been doing a series on toxic behavior and controlling our tongues.

Our small group has also been studying James 3 which discusses the damning little organ of my body that can cause such large problems.

I think God might be shining a light on a dark spot already...and here I am - "talking about it."