SOOO Glad I Didn't Marry a Missionary

I always pictured myself marrying a pastor or a missionary.
I had a heart that wanted to share Jesus with others, so I was sure that God would send me a pious Christian leader on the "straight and narrow" path who desired to evangelize the world.


Enter: Clay

Can you read his shirt? Perfect for this post.

He was a risk-taker, a rule-breaker, a challenge-maker...and he made me laugh.
He had no intent of being a pastor or a missionary.
I fell hard and fast.

For years, my Christianity was bogged down by a list of "good intentioned" rules.
If I had married a missionary who was "spiritual" in the way I had been taught spiritual should look, I think I could have coasted along on HIS faith and "black and white" way of  looking at the world for years to come.
But God had others plans for my life (funny how that works).

Clay was a "gray-area" kind of guy.
He challenged my polarized thinking...and was just what I needed to grow in my faith.
Someday soon, I will blog about "how" God put Clay and I together (because it was definitely God who did it), but today I am sharing part of  "why" I think God put us together so many years ago.

In the early years of our marriage, I wrestled with the way Clay approached the world.
I judged the way he approached his relationship with God. I questioned him. I tried to change him.
Then something beautiful happened...and God changed ME.

I quit trying to force Clay to lead me in my faith...
and took responsibility for my own walk with God.
I quit trying to convict Clay to be what I thought he should be,
and started loving him for who he was.
I looked to the Holy Spirit for guidance in my life (and left it to Him to guide Clay's life too)...and my eyes were opened.

I saw how Clay's faith gave him patience when I would urgently rush in (sometimes causing damage). Previously, I had seen this quality as apathy...but God was using it for our good.

I saw how Clay's faith helped him hold his tongue when I would speak with venom.
Previously, I saw this quietness as a subtle attack of his own...but now I could see it as our protection. (I could never have handled harsh words from him.)

I started to intentionally look for ways to respect Clay and learn from him rather than tear him down...
and everything changed.
As I focused on learning more about God in my own life, God began powerfully moving in our marriage. Clay began leading me in the ways that I needed to be led.
I think some of the change in leadership was God blessing my obedience...but some of it was there all along and I had never allowed it to flourish.

Over the years, we have both matured in our faith (independently and together).
We have met in the middle in areas of contention.
We have challenged each other - and agreed to disagree.
And we have loved each other deeply through seeking God's perspective in the conflicts.

I still want to show the world the light of Jesus. Clay still wants to have a lot of fun.
It's powerful (and beautiful) how God has merged those two paths.
Today, we hoot and holler at the silly little things of life while we share the reason for our joy with everyone we meet.
I've learned that leadership doesn't have to meet a certain criteria. And while talking about our love for others and our desire to serve, Clay has been known to give a mischievous grin and say, "Beck, you might just be married to that missionary after all."

It is good to step back and praise God for not always giving us our way.
It's good to acknowledge how unchosen paths often make us better people.
It's helps to remember that even today's frustrations may be used for a bigger purpose than we can imagine.

Thank you Lord that the path has not always been easy.
Thank you that You will always use it for Your glory.
Amen.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

A Trip to the Wizard, and I got a HEART

I was raised in a home where alcohol was "from da devil".
Crude language was ANYTHING that might offend ANYONE...ever.
A clean house had "a place for everything and everything in its place."

Life was very black or white - grey wasn't even discussed.
My parents had the BEST of intentions. They did an awesome job.
But the eyes of this little girl saw things very differently than they MEANT her to see them.

I became very good at following the rules (except when I didn't...but I made sure to hide that side of me as much as possible.) I got very good at outwardly jumping through hoops while inwardly hiding my temptations or struggles. I couldn't let anyone think less of me. (OK, I still fight with that kind of thinking sometimes.)

From birth, I loved the idea of God and all the facts I knew about Him.
I also learned to fear Hell... and I KNEW that the way to a peaceful life, true joy, and eternity in Heaven was found through following Christ.
So...I committed my life to Him when I was in elementary school.

Unfortunately, God was still pretty vague to me.
He was a mass of wonderful, happy feelings mixed with judgement. He was sacrificial love mixed with a set of rules to follow. My view was limited, skewed, and immature.

I loved the God that others had told me about. 

The Biblical Jesus was POWERFUL, compelling - I genuinely wanted THAT God in my life, but I had only experienced Him in fleeting moments on my own. 

I depended heavily on the church and my parents to show me how to live out my faith.

The thing is, the church and my parents are very human - and flawed. I still ended up seeing Christianity as a set of expectations to meet and felt a need to "earn" God's love.

I knew I could never be perfect, so I fought against that flawed version of God, because it didn’t seem RIGHT…and in my fight, sometimes I ended up fighting against the TRUE God as well.

  

In Hebrews 5:11-14, scripture compares spiritual maturity to the growth of a child.  A baby drinks milk and moves on to meat as he grows. New Christians start with the basics of faith and move on to a deeper, more mature faith over time.

Honestly, I was a spiritual milk drinker for 30 years. 

Once in a while I might chew on a piece of meat...but my diet consisted mostly of milk that others gave me.

Without diving into God's word on my own, I became what my old pastor referred to as a tin soldier. I was a soldier for Christ that still felt a bit hollow. A soldier who wanted something REAL – but I wasn’t sure how it was supposed to happen.

I looked like a lot of my fellow church attenders - We knew how to “look good” and how to “fight the battle”, but we weren't filled with the LIFE and POWER found in the heart of God..so the battle was HARD. I was a Christian with an inside that was still needing MORE. I was a tin soldier.

There were weak moments when I was tempted to fill my yearning for more with sin...and I gave in. The conviction of the Holy Spirit rocked my world each time I climbed into the muck...but in I would climb. I told myself I was an ANGEL compared to my peers...I RARELY crossed the "acceptable" line. (Anything to justify my weak moments.)
I loved Jesus, but since my view of love was that of an infant - confused, uneducated, needy - I also acted like a child at times and rebelled. And I didn't rebel by swearing or by gossiping (or any of the more "acceptable" sins). If I was going to feel guilty, I might as well make it count. I would get drunk or fool around with my boyfriend...I even tried smoking pot a few times. *insert shocked faces by many people who know me*

Knowing truth and choosing to act against it…is one of the darkest places a person can be.

In a spiritual battle, choosing the losing side is bound to cause pain.

God was able to use the pain I experienced to help me understand that there really IS supposed to be MORE to faith. I started seeking this "more" through accountability groups, church services, worship music. It helped me feel like I was DOING something. Getting married and becoming a parent also peeled away a few more layers that were keeping me from finding MORE. (It really changes things when you realize you are a child of God and that HE feels toward you the way you feel toward your child...no hoops required).

FINALLY, in my 30s, I led a Bible Study group and was “forced” to read my Bible and journal my prayers daily for over a year. I did it because “I had to be an EXAMPLE to others in the class”.

It was the first time EVER that I actually spent consistent time with God for more than a month or two.

When you spend time with someone, you start getting to know them…and when you spend a LOT of time with someone, you can even take on some of their characteristics - without even trying. (just ask Clay, he’s turned me into him)

I quit just knowing ABOUT God and started realizing how His heart beats.

I studied about Jesus and the example He set for us when He walked this earth. He showed love to sinners. He let them disagree with Him. (They had that choice.) He kept leaders in the church (Pharisees/Sadducees) accountable. He made it clear to them that faith is not about “looks” or laws.

In my time reading and praying, I built a relationship with Jesus - and became a REAL, LIVE soldier with a heart that is at peace (most of the time) and that beats for something bigger than myself. Something bigger than the world. Something bigger than my own marriage or family. (THAT was a hard lesson to learn and a whole other blog.)

I wish it hadn't taken me 30 years.
I wish I would have avoided some of the pain I caused myself in my rebellion, but wishing won't change my past. Instead, I choose to revel in the fact that God can use our pain for HIS GLORY.

Ephesians 2:10 says, “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

God has work for ALL of us to do.

Yes, we have ALL probably taken a few rabbit trails on the paths He has for us, but all is not lost. We can help others AVOID those same rabbit trails through sharing our experiences and by modeling the life of REAL soldiers - with hearts that beat in rhythm with God's - fighting on the behalf of others, defeating the enemy, and giving our lives for the FREEDOM we can have through a relationship with Christ.

Part of MY work is writing to you…and loving you even if you think I'm ridiculous.

I plan to encourage you on your path EVERY CHANCE I GET.

I will show you love  – even if you still have more hard lessons to learn. 

And I will pray that you can escape further pain, by knowing TRUTH and God’s perspective and plan for your life. (Not the plan the world has for you OR the plan your parents may have had for you OR the plan you've been scheming about while seeking more...but the plan that GOD has for you.)

I shared a bit about my journey in hopes that you also might experience MORE...by making a commitment to Christ, or by seeking spiritual meat on your own rather than being satisfied with mere milk, and by KNOWING God. I'm so thankful He's not just a set of rules.

OK, that’s enough words..for now.
Press on,

Beck