Monday, February 12, 2018

Missing My Kids Already

Lately, my heart keeps aching when I look at Micah. He's seventeen, a junior, and absolutely awesome. In 18 months, he will head off to college, and I am suddenly seeing the whole world through a different lens. I am soaking in every interaction with him. I admire him from afar. How can I possibly go without seeing this favorite person of mine EVERY. SINGLE. DAY?

Then it hit me.
God feels this way about me.

He really adores us. He made us for His pleasure. He appreciates each of our unique gifts and purposes in this world. He is excited to watch us live them out...even when we fail. We are His children. He loves to watch us persevere. He gives us strength to endure. He LIKES us and yearns for relationship with us.

Revelation 4:11 - Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power: for thou hast created all things, and FOR THY PLEASURE they are and were created. (KJV)

We bless God when we choose to be in His presence, to talk to Him, to listen for what He has to say to us.
To clarify: I'm not talking about hours on the couch up to our elbows in study and prayer. This is needed, but we were meant for lighter (and even light-hearted) interactions too. You know, the ones that don't require "work". The ones that can happen all day long.
"I see what you did there, God."
"Jesus, you can still use that stupid thing I said to get glory for yourself, right? Do I need to apologize? What do I need to learn?"
"Dang, Holy Spirit! You rock."

When Clay and I were trying to heal, I needed eye-contact and conversation. Clay knew this, so he would sit on the couch, look at me, and say, "What do you want to talk about?"
This didn't go well.
It became work.
We would stare at each other (awkward, not intimate) or avoid eye-contact, or we would end up in an argument. We did much better if we played a game, took a walk, or did some other activity which allowed us to look at each other while accomplishing something OTHER than just talking. When the pressure was off, conversation could just FLOW OUT OF US.

Too often, we are like that with God. We need to quit pressuring ourselves about what we are "supposed to be accomplishing" and simply choose to look at Him, be available to Him. The rest can take care of itself. If we seek Him, we will find Him. As intimacy grows, we'll have cravings to KNOW Him by reading His word. It doesn't have to be work.

I think God longs for us when we don't spend time with him each day, but not in a way where he NEEDS us...just in a way where he ENJOYS us. We don't need to feel shame or avoid God if we neglect our time with Him, we just need to correct that issue and connect. There are people in your life that you haven't talked to for YEARS and you still feel free to call them up because your conversation will pick right back up where you left off. Jesus is one of those people.
Sure, He could always admire us from a distance; but how much more joy does it bring a parent to have meaningful interaction and friendship with their child? It's why we had them! The same goes for God. It's why He made you. Bless Him by acknowledging His love for you and worship Him for it.  Just look at Him, you'll see it...and what a blessing you will receive right back!
He loves you IMMEASURABLY more than ANYONE has ever loved you.
Grasping even a portion of that truth is life changing.

Any doubt about the joy that a child's interaction can bring to a parent?
Just look at Clay's face. I imagine God looking at us that way.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

When Evan Heard From God


A long time ago (when I used to consider myself a blogger) I wrote about one goose-bumpy, Jehovah Shammah (God is there) moment that happened when our boys were tiny. *click the link to read it* Our family has many of these moments, and I love to share them. The world knows that God is big...but our testimonies are often how others learn to understand how much He cares about little ol' us.

Today's Jehovah Shammah moment once again involves my son, Evan. He is fifteen now, and I think he could use this reminder (and a warm, fuzzy feeling) today.

Years ago, I sent the boys to their rooms to spend time "alone with God". I wanted to encourage them to talk to God and set aside special time in their days to meditate on His word and His works.
Evan came out of his room and announced, "God told me to take my Bible when we run our errands today. He wants me to read it to people in the world."

Evan was an emotional little boy and prone to telling "stories". My eyebrow raised at this proclamation of hearing God's voice, so I told him that he could take his Bible - but he should probably only read it to someone if they ASKED him to read it to them. He picked out a special passage and was ready for the occasion.

That precious little blonde-haired angel carried his Bible to the bank, through Aldi, and through almost all the aisles in Walmart until he looked at me, discouraged.
"Mom, NOBODY has asked me to read my Bible to them."
I didn't want his desire to go unanswered, but I also knew if God had REALLY told him to bring his Bible, that he would get a chance to read it. So I asked him if he had prayed for God to bring the right person to him, someone who really needed to hear. Right there, in aisle five, my sweet first-grader prayed. His tiny, high voice humbly asked God for help.

We were just about done shopping, so it wasn't long before we headed to the cash register. When it was our turn to check out, the cashier looked up and noticed Evan...
Cashier: "Whatcha got there?"
Evan: *beaming* "My Bible. Would you like me to read you something?"
Cashier: *glances my way* "Why sure."

In a clear voice, he read about the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5...and the cashier's eyes filled with tears.

Cashier: "Thank you. I really needed to hear those words today. That means a lot."
Evan: "You're welcome! I KNEW someone needed me to read my Bible!"
Cashier: "Well, thanks so much for bringing it."

Jehovah Shammah. God answers the prayers of children...his children.
(That means you too.)
When we seek, we find.
Lord, help us to look at you today, to see your glory and give you praise, to ask for help, and to see the opportunities you want to provide. We could all use some extra warm-fuzzy moments that focus on you.
Amen.

Becky

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Rebuilding Our Shattered Marriage

My marriage was a solid, beautiful, glass vase that wasn't strong enough to survive hitting a concrete floor. (Imagine that.)
I often treated my husband, Clay, as if he had picked up the vase and thrown it at the ground; but in reality, we gradually nudged that vase closer and closer to the edge of the counter until one day when we were in the throws of making excuses for our poor behavior, we threw our hands out and our marriage sailed through the air and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces on the hard surface below.

It has been a long process to pick up all the pieces and glue them back together. It has taken years of reaching into the brokenness. Each time we put out our hand to pick up a sliver, we knew that we would most likely get wounded. We were often tentative. Shards dug deep. We ended up bloody. It hurt, and yet we kept reaching toward wholeness. We could see something beautiful forming. The Holy Spirit was the glue holding us together. We trusted that the sacrifice was going to be worth it.

A few months ago, this analogy of the vase came to me. Vividly.
The truth of it resonated deep within me. It was a gift from God. This mental picture changed me and exponentially sped up our healing process.
After this revelation, each time I wanted to be mad at Clay, each time I wanted to be a martyr because I hurt so badly, I began to stop and TRULY look at him. I revisited the vase and saw Clay's bloody hands. I saw him still reaching into the broken glass at great cost to himself. I saw love...even though I may not have FELT it. Clay was still choosing US, and God's supernatural grace began filling our home.

We wanted to like each other again, but had no idea how to get there. Walls were up. We could not find victory on our own. We started praying that God's Holy Spirit would fill us, and HIS will would be done. In each of us. Through our marriage. For HIS glory.
Once we truly BELIEVED that prayer, God was able to move.

It's only been a few months, but I wanted to share: by the grace of God, our marriage has been healed. Life is still challenging. We are still human. Life is still messy, but we are ONE.
Team players. Friends. Lovers.
We have been undone. We were brought to our knees, and I am here praising God for all of the hard because we learned so very much. For this, I am truly thankful.

Dear brother or sister, know that prayer is our superpower. It's YOUR superpower.
When we pray that God gets glory through our lives, that HIS will (not our will) is done, our lives change. God is so immensely faithful.
And THEN, we get to tell others about the journey.
Great is the Lord and worthy of praise.
-Becky

P.S. I just had Clay read this and he said, "If you didn't know our story, you'd think I had an affair." I want to clarify that he did NOT indeed have an affair. Click here to read the story of our decline. On that note, know that God can even heal the type of shattering that comes from that kind of unfaithfulness - if we seek His face.


Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Truth(s) About Marriage

From her book, For the Love

Amen.
In my rant about persevering through the hard of marriage *see post "I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Married Anymore"* I shared that Clay and I have had some sucktastic years. Long story short: all of our marriage problems were Clay's fault. 
(Ha! I couldn't even type that with a straight face.) 
No matter how much I told myself this fallacy, it wasn't true; but I did learn a few truths along the way...

Truth #1: Marriage can be a crutch. 
For the first ten years, Clay and I sailed along smoothly. Our "autopilot" had a lot of Biblically-based tendencies. Our parents had taught us some healthy habits. We were happy. 

Even though our marital harmony managed to hang on many years after the honeymoon, something was missing. I desired a spirit-filled, God-centered life, and I knew that God was second (or maybe even fourth?) on my list of loves. Christianity is a calling to more, so I prayed that God would help me to love HIM even more than I loved my husband.
(Did you just wince when you read that? Did you yell at the screen, "You idiot! WHY would you pray for something like that?!!")
How was I supposed to know that God would ask me to give Him my marriage? I thought he already HAD my marriage. (You know, because of all the happiness.) 
How was I supposed to know that I had SO MUCH in common with the rich young religious man in Matthew 19? He was too tied to his possessions to give them up when Jesus asked; and like him, I thought I was doing everything RIGHT, I had no idea that I would hold on to Clay with a vice grip when God asked me to place our marriage in His hands. 

Marriage can become a crutch for unhappy couples too. They keep leaning on their marriage expecting it to make life better, or they blame their marriage for their emptiness. Scripture is full of verses that say only GOD satisfies. 
(spoiler alert: Your spouse is NOT God.)

Truth #2: Marriages fall apart when we don't trust God.
God heard my prayer, and Clay started a new job which had him traveling A LOT. 
I became ticked A LOT.
GOD GAVE HIM THIS JOB. We sat in our living room with tears in our eyes and goosebumps on our arms because it was so clear that God provided this position. 
WHAT THE HECK???

It was a perfect situation for spiritual growth. I am confident that Clay and I could have depended on God, prayed diligently for each other, made healthy choices about our time together, created healthy boundaries for his business, edified and built each other up, and remained a strong team. Um, those are not the choices that we made. 
When God allows His children to walk through the fire, they can CHOOSE to trust Him with each moment...or they can leave His protection and get burned. Can I just say, "Ouch."?

Truth #3: We are called to surrender. (That means quit fighting.)
A few years in, I was tired of being gracious. 
I wanted my old marriage back. I was mad at God. 
Clay was no longer funny. (Please acknowledge this as HUGE. Clay being funny and reminding me to breathe has always been a vital part of our marriage.)

Eventually, I couldn't fight (or cry) anymore. I finally decided to accept the life I had rather than keep fighting for the marriage I CRAVED. 
I had a clear vision of holding up the white flag of surrender. 
In war, no side will surrender unless they reach the point where the fight seems more painful than death, or enslavement, or imprisonment. I had reached that point. I was bloodied and battered from the battle, and I would accept this new marriage - as long as I didn't have to fight anymore. I was going to trust God. I was going to depend on Him. 

Soon after my surrender to God, Clay became funny again. 
I honestly wonder if God hardened Clay's heart for a while until I waved my white flag. I had to CHOOSE to love God more. To die to myself. To love Clay because he has innate value. 
In the past, I had loved Clay because he satisfied my needs, but we are called to love our spouses even when they don't. I needed to love Clay out of obedience to God...and not because he made me "happy".

I wish I would have fought the spiritual battle from the start - but I chose to fight Clay instead. God allowed me to make that choice. 
Thank you, Lord, for letting me learn that lesson. It brought me closer to You. You still used my poor decision for good and your glory. I definitely learned to love you more than Clay. 

Life improved for a while. Clay and I both made healthier choices for a couple of years. We got a reprieve from pain, enough to recover for round two. There was so much more to learn.

Truth #4: We twist scripture to support our selfish attitudes. 
Did you know it is possible to become so close to God that you don't even CARE about your spouse? Oh wait, I was sinning when I did that...

A few years ago, Clay once again became cocooned in an isolated work/stress bubble. 
I didn't want to fight this time. I knew I needed to turn to God. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided that God was ALL I needed.
Then, I twisted this spiritual decision into a convenient little package of lies.
I came to expect nothing good from Clay. (So he couldn't let me down.)
My running commentary became, "He won't. You are alone in this. You don't need Clay. You have God. God is enough."

I read scripture about marriage and husbands. I decided what our life was SUPPOSED to look like, and judged Clay when our marriage didn't match the picture in my head. 
CLAY was supposed to lead. HE was making unhealthy choices. HE needed to turn to Jesus. (All those sentences were true. There's the rub.)

Depending on God and searching His Word are healthy. 
Using that dependence as an excuse to harden my heart toward my spouse? Twisting scripture to judge him? Neglecting my responsibility to love and edify him?
The work of the enemy. 

All scripture and interaction with God should be applied to OURSELVES first. 
His word is used as a weapon against THE ENEMY. 
(Spoiler alert: Your spouse is NOT the enemy.)
I was making unhealthy choices and needed to turn to Jesus too.

Truth #5: GOD SAVES SCREWED UP MARRIAGES. 
I've seen it with my own eyes.
If both spouses turn to God, victory is guaranteed.
If only one spouse looks to God, it gets harder...but still very possible.

On many occasions I have seen men fall humbly to their knees and beg God to heal their marriages. Even when their wives had cheated on them, or if their wives had hard hearts toward them, I witnessed God prevail. It took repentance. It took obedience. It took leadership. It took consistency.
We woman are made for relationship. It is hard for us to resist a godly man...because he loves unselfishly. He considers us. He provides for our needs. He points us to God. 

Scripture also tells us that a man can be won over by the behavior of his wife (1 Peter 3:1). My own father preaches the validity of this scripture when he speaks of my mother's faith during THEIR harder years. Her life was a testimony showing him that God was worth trusting.

Clay and I have been slowly healing. We have (finally) been laughing again.
Prayer has been the biggest catalyst for this health.

Truth #6 God wants us to pray together (Matthew 18:20)
One morning when the alarm went off, in the dark quiet, I listened to God's leading rather than judging Clay for NOT leading. I held my husband's hand and started praying out loud.
(Let's be honest, I'm the verbal, passionate gusher in the family. If I want more out-loud processing about spiritual things in our marriage, it is probably MY job to initiate it. In our marriage oneness, Clay's half is passionate about music and generosity and laughter...my side has most of the words.)

I prayed for this man I love. I prayed for his job. I repented. I begged for wisdom and unity.
The next day, I prayed again.
By the third day, Clay joined in the prayer after I finished.
After a week or so, Clay even began initiating some of our prayer sessions.
One day, I watched him pray over our youngest son in a moment of frustration.
We were experiencing God's power. Home was becoming a safe place. Through prayer, we saw that we had common goals. We acknowledged that we were still a team...of THREE.

Truth #7 The Bible has instructions for healing a marriage.
God's word is alive and active. Sharper than a double edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)
God's word WILL cut down the enemy. God's word will prune away all the ugly in us.
It will also change the way you look at your spouse. God's perspective changes things.

After praying, Clay and I were primed to listen for God (and to God).
I can't really tell you all the lessons Clay started learning. (I'm the gusher, remember?)
But I saw him on his Bible App in the mornings, and I noticed his schedule choices improve, and his BEHAVIOR softened. When we did talk, he would interact more and clam up less...and we would laugh.

As for me, I asked God to put a guard over my mouth. (Psalm 141:3)
I started TRYING not to correct, or rebuke Clay (or our boys). Instead, I put my energy into edification. (1 Thessolonians 5:11, Romans 14)
It's easy for me to trust that God will get me through big, hard situations. He has repeatedly proven himself faithful to solve those problems. Trusting Him to do a mighty work in daily issues while I hold my tongue, however, is not so easy. 
(It feels downright IMPOSSIBLE some days.)
I haven't really given God much opportunity to prove himself faithful in that area.
It's time.

We are climbing out of the hard; but Clay is still stressed at work, and I still like to tell people what is wrong with them. (You read my last post, right?) 
So we cling to the truth: God is faithful. 
(Really. He is.)

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philipians 1:6

Friday, October 23, 2015

I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Married Anymore

Clay and I had a blissful marriage for the first ten or twelve years. BLISS, I tell you.
We used to go on about how lucky we were. We actually had friends and family complain about how "in love" we were. (Eye-rolling was definitely involved.)
Even as late as 2012, I wrote a blog having to clarify to all of you that Clay was not, indeed, Superman. I knew I gushed about him a lot. I was consistently trying to accentuate the positive.

Long story short: things declined.
It took a while to get to the point where grace just quit winning, but we got there.
In the past few years, our home has been full of icy silences and loads of tension. We couldn't talk about anything of substance without arguing. The same stubbornness which kept us fighting, also kept us talking to each other on a surface level and attempting to be "happily married".  We knew God wanted more for us than what we were experiencing, but we lived angry at each other or pretending not to be.
So when our friend uttered, "I'm not even sure I want to be married anymore," he might have expected a sympathetic response. We understood the distance he was experiencing in his marriage. We were a safe place for this kind of confession.
Then my husband of over 17 years, looked our friend in the eyes and replied with love and conviction, "Does it really MATTER what you want?"

Rock on, Clay.

Promises have been made. Children are involved. Adulthood has arrived. Maturity is required. Stomping our feet and wanting our way is not going to improve the situation or benefit the greater good. And yet...that is exactly what our whole culture does.

How has it become acceptable in our world to simply quit being family?
We don't get to say, "I don't want to be a parent anymore. My kids don't make me as happy as I thought they would."
(Well, we may say it...but anyone who actually makes that parenting choice is chalked up as selfish, heartless, scum of the earth - to put it nicely.)

We constantly deal with situations that are not ideal or easy, but we figure out how to maneuver within them because we HAVE NO CHOICE. We can't say, "My car is wrecked, but I still owe money on it. I'm just going to quit paying the loan because I am no longer experiencing the happiness I expected."
Again, we COULD take that path, but we would hide that information from society so they don't easily find out about the resulting debt-collectors and see us for the self-centered, childish sucktons that we are. (I just made that word up. Feel free to use it. Satan wants us all to be sucktons.)

So we won't/can't walk away from some of our responsibilities; but, "I'm not happy. I don't want to be married anymore," has become perfectly acceptable in our culture...and in our churches.
It's like people forget that they made a COVENANT WITH GOD.

Christian brothers and sisters, how did we become spoiled pansies with such hypocritical, empty faith? What happened to good character? How have we made God so small, so theoretical, so NOT REAL? How have we chosen to ignore the benefits that come from perseverance, endurance...and TRUST. COME ON, PEOPLE!
Most of us have learned how to walk, talk, or ride a bike. We have seen the benefits of diligently working to accomplish a hard task. Getting back up after falling down has brought us victory in areas of our lives. Blessings can come!
God promised that He can use all things for the good of those who love him.
He WILL bring glory to himself if we obey, believe, and follow!

We don't expect our kids to fulfill us. We get hurt by them (all.the.time), yet still love them. They say jerky things, and we give them grace. We even take some of the blame for their crappy attitudes or make excuses for them.
"That apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"He probably just needs a nap."
(I bet it would make a HUGE difference if I would just let Clay take a nap.)

We don't expect our friends to fulfill us. They have LIVES OF THEIR OWN. They are messes (just like us) that need our love and support. They can't be dealing with OUR drama all the time. (Or if they do, they may need to grab a quick nap before making the phone call to interact with our baggage.) Friendship provides the luxury of space. We only see them in small spurts, so they don't get as many chances to tick us off.

So, why do we expect our spouse to fulfill us? Why do we expect perfection, right attitudes, and every moment to be like movie highlights? How can our spouse POSSIBLY have the capability to ignore their own perspective and see things from our point of view when they are made so very differently than we were? We can't do that for them, afterall. Where were we supposed to learn this skill in the first place? As children? (I know my children are not learning that skill.)
We are so warped to expect that kind of miraculous "oneness". It takes DIFFERENT pieces of a puzzle to make a beautiful picture. A pile of the same pieces just stays a pile.
The Bible warns us that those who marry will have troubles in this life. (1 Corinthians 7:28)
We need to quit being shocked by the trouble and embrace the value in it.

The Holy Spirit's love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control are being missed in this world. (Galatians 5:22-23) We don't experience them, because we don't experience HIM.
Instead, we expect all that wonderful fruit to be provided by our spouse.
(Lucky human. Such a huge, IMPOSSIBLE task.)
I am writing this blog to stay, "Stop it already!"

I told you I should not be trusted to write blogs and post them without days of contemplation.
You are getting a whole lot of REAL.
I have spent the last two years yelling at myself every time I consider my own momentary happiness rather than keep my eyes focused on the big picture. Now I have decided to yell at you too. I have learned so much by persevering, and we both know that I don't learn well alone.

Clay and I are on a fabulous (if not a bit rocky) path back to being a team. Back to passion.
Back to the sickly, electric, grace-filled love that we lost. We have been fighting like crazy in efforts to get back to that place. (No, fighting hasn't really helped in the efforts; but perseverance in faith IS.)
We both want to be healthy. We both WANT to be happy again. We finally asked GOD to show us how...and quit trying to fix it on our own.

My next blog will be much more positive. I promise.
I'll let you know about the 5-7 year journey we have been on, how we ended up living in the HARD, the lessons we learned (and are still learning) while walking through it, and the solutions God keeps providing.
Even when life is hard. God is faithful. (And sunglasses are useful.)
*the small print: This post is not saying you must stay in an adulterous marriage. It is not saying that you should stay in an abusive marriage. It is saying that life is bigger than your happiness...and that doing hard things brings great reward. So if you do not have Biblical grounds to leave...suck it up. Make sure that God is the lamp unto your feet in each and every path you choose.

(The next post has been written: The Truth(s) About Marriage)

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Fatal Flaw

"That has been our biggest mistake as parents," Clay exclaimed.
"Yep, we should never have let them know that they are hilarious," I replied.

We had just been discussing "the chicken nugget incident".
Evan was about two years old. Still old enough to know better.
He was in his little car seat on a four hour trip to Grandma and Grandpa's house.
We had stopped to grab some fast food.
Clay was driving, and I was actually looking at him when it happened. We were having a conversation when a chicken nugget suddenly bounced off the side of Clay's head.

We turned around to see our Evan, straight-faced and serious as can be, announcing to the car, "I'm done."
It hit our funny bones so hard that we couldn't stop laughing to discipline the child.
"I should have pulled the car over right then and there to punish him...but we made that fatal flaw."
Yep. Clay has a point, it is a fatal flaw in many ways. They learned about levity in the face of frustration at a very young age; but if he had been "properly punished", the memory might have been tainted. I'm not sure that "good parenting" is worth losing that piece of our family lore.

That fatal flaw has been our undoing.
Our boys push when the tension rises. They keep talking, pressing buttons, making clever comments...hoping to pick the right remark that will lighten their consequences, change our perspective, or simply remind us that they are so very lovable.

I don't blame them. It tends to work.
What is a fatal flaw for a parent, is quite the "gift" for a child.
(It also tends to give me some funny facebook statuses.)

We are praying that they learn to read their audience (and pay attention to the veins popping out of the authority figure's neck)...maybe that will keep them from someday getting fired for insubordination.

This picture was taken when our boys did NOT manage to make us laugh.
They got sent to the corner for "time out".
This mama still got her "perspective/mood lightening" moment when they chose to go to the SAME corner.
Dang, I love those boys. 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Before Kids


I recently read the book What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty.
(Actually, I listened to it. It is set in Australia, so the accents probably made the book better than it actually was.)
In the book, a 39 year old mother of three (in the middle of divorce) hits her head and wakes up thinking she is 29 again. She has no recollection of the last 10 years.
29 was when she was newly married, madly in love, and pregant with her first child.

This book KICKED. MY. BUTT.
In it, "29 year old" Alice was shocked by the way her husband spoke to 39 year old Alice.
She was confused by the seriousness of her current life. Everything always seemed so urgent and important. Didn't they have fun anymore?
Alice read some emails she had written to her husband leading up to the divorce and she COULD NOT BELIEVE that she could have ever written such things to the love of her life. So bitter. So harsh.

It got me thinking about Clay and I - before kids.
I would watch Nascar races (I joined a Nascar Fantasy League and CARED ABOUT MY TEAM.)
We would spend hours playing video games with each other. (It can be therapeutic to blow up your spouse.)
We almost got kicked out of birthing classes. (We were so busy flirting and giggling with each other than the coach got a bit irritated.)
There was a lot of grace to be had in our home. That "was" is almost painful to read.

Since that stage of life, things have gotten much more serious.
His career, our children, homeschooling, ministries, responsibilities, blah, blah, blah.
It has all added up to stress.
Our fuses have shortened. We don't have TIME for video games.
We too often forget to play. We forget to be best friends...like we used to be.
It's messed up.
Clay may have less hair than when we were younger and starry-eyed, but he is still the love of my life. The goal is to stop and remember that. Daily.
We need to look into each other's eyes and SEE the young, playful souls that remain...and coax them back out. We need to CHOOSE not to be old, grumpy, married people.
I need to choose to be the flirty wife.

No more "remembering back when"...
We need to ENJOY (and properly prioritize) the now.
Lord, remind me what it was like when we were twenty-five.
Bring back the love and grace in a POWERFUL way. Give us YOUR love and grace.
I want to be starry-eyed (toward Clay) forever.