Monday, June 4, 2012


Lately, I've been annoying myself.
I cringe at my behavior, but I can't STOP.
I keep thinking, "HOW do I have any friends? I'm sick of myself. Thank you, Lord, for big grace."

I'm just so stinkin' wishy-washy. 
(Well, today I think I am...tomorrow I'll probably think I'm just "flexible".)

One month, I am on a sugar-free, no-carb diet; and the next day I'm suggesting that we all go out for ice cream.

I want to lose weight so my pants will fit, but I also want to love myself and be content JUST as I am.
One moment, "I'm so excited about my new method for doing chores!"...or my new Bible reading plan...or a new habit I've started (see this blog post ). 
And the next minute, it was "just too difficult to maintain"...
Or I was "too tired to bother"...
Or "I was blogging, so chores just had to wait."

I just can't seem to make up my mind. Ever.
(Check that...I'm decisive all the time - my decisions just don't manage to stick for very long.)
*Did I just waffle about how indecisive I am? Oh bother...*

In Romans 7:14, Paul wrote, 
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

Oh Paul, you "GET" me!

It drives me CRAZY when people adamantly say they are "going to change"...and then they don't. And that is EXACTLY what I keep doing!

I know God has me on a path where my flaky patterns will eventually give Him glory as He shines His light and life into each little crevice of my world, and HE changes me. 
But what do I do in the meantime? (You know, during the beat-my-head-against-the-wall-because-I'm-just-not-learning-the-lesson stage.)

My vacillating opinions aren't even the main problem. 
In fact, they may not be the problem at all. (Yes, even MORE wavering as I keep proving my own point.)
The crux of it all is my need to SHARE about each. and. every. flip-flopping. thought.*sigh* 

If I would just control that little tongue of mine, nobody would have a clue how incredibly erratic my thoughts and opinions actually are. I could FOOL the world into think I'm not insane if I would just SHUT UP.

Hmmm, the pastor has been doing a series on toxic behavior and controlling our tongues.
Our small group has also been studying James 3 which discusses the damning little organ of my body that can cause such large problems.
I think God might be shining a light on a dark spot already...and here I am - "talking about it."


  1. Oh, my. You made me laugh out loud. I saw myself in much of your post.
    I am grateful for you, Becky, and how you encourage!

    1. Oh, how I have enjoyed our new online friendship. Your encouraging words spur me on. :)

  2. One word for you, dearie: normal. You're normal! And I love you for it. :):)

    (Hormonal almost rhymes with normal. Sometimes that's my deal. Ha!)

    1. I think you may be saying a bit about yourself if I'm "normal" in your world...because that has NOT been a common term used to describe me. I'll take it though - I think I'd fit right in with your normal. :)

      Seriously, I get your drift and I appreciate the sentiment...especially how the two words almost rhyme. ;)

  3. I call this fickle.....and me too. I'm really bad about starting a new project (book, diet, etc) and then never quite finishing. Sometimes I think this is okay. If the book stinks, or I'm tired of eating fake-food to lose weight, I'm okay with letting those things go. But some things (like the baby blanket I started when pregnant with my now almost 11 month old) just make me crazy with myself. And I'm not sure I'm setting the best example for my tiny people.
    We're all a work in progress. If you don't believe me, go look at my blog and count how many times I've changed our homeschool plan in the last couple of months. *cringe*

    1. Just read your blog. We seem to be in a similar boat when it comes to some of this sort of thing. Keep on paddling girl, we'll reach the final destination.
      (And I'm pretty sure we'll find out in the end, that it doesn't really matter what hoops we tried (and failed) to jump through...)

  4. I'm right there with you. The verse from Paul is one I go to when I feel like a failure. I'm so thankful for His grace that loves me and changes me in spite of myself. Blessings to you!

  5. Hi Becky, I'm hopping over from NOBH!

    You made me laugh, but I'm also convicted and encouraged! I listened to a sermon this morning and the pastor quoted that same passage from Romans 7. Makes me wonder what the heck's WRONG WITH ME, but it's a comfort to know we're ALL in the same messed up state!

    Hugs from VA!

    1. Thank you for the words.
      I'm so thankful we can laugh through the craziness and conviction.
      God is doing big things, so we can treat ourselves like our toddlers when they fall. We can say, "Oh wow...that was AWESOME" when we hit the dirt...and we can laugh. Then, pray that we learn better - before we fall and it REALLY hurts next time.

  6. Okay, you've made the first step. Recognition. Now come the changes. Sigh. I'm so like you! I'm watching to see how you do! :)

    1. Don't blink - at the rate I go, you might miss something. :)