The Truth(s) About Marriage

From her book, For the Love

Amen.

In my rant about persevering through the hard of marriage *see post "I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Married Anymore"* I shared that Clay and I have had some sucktastic years. Long story short: all of our marriage problems were Clay's fault. 
(Ha! I couldn't even type that with a straight face.) 
No matter how much I told myself this fallacy, it wasn't true; but I did learn a few truths along the way...

Truth #1: Marriage can be a crutch. 

For the first ten years, Clay and I sailed along smoothly. Our "autopilot" had a lot of Biblically-based tendencies. Our parents had taught us some healthy habits. We were happy. 

Even though our marital harmony managed to hang on many years after the honeymoon, something was missing. I desired a spirit-filled, God-centered life, and I knew that God was second (or maybe even fourth?) on my list of loves. Christianity is a calling to more, so I prayed that God would help me to love HIM even more than I loved my husband.

(Did you just wince when you read that? Did you yell at the screen, "You idiot! WHY would you pray for something like that?!!")

How was I supposed to know that God would ask me to give Him my marriage? I thought he already HAD my marriage. (You know, because of all the happiness.) 

How was I supposed to know that I had SO MUCH in common with the rich young religious man in Matthew 19? He was too tied to his possessions to give them up when Jesus asked; and like him, I thought I was doing everything RIGHT, I had no idea that I would hold on to Clay with a vice grip when God asked me to place our marriage in His hands. 

Marriage can become a crutch for unhappy couples too. They keep leaning on their marriage expecting it to make life better, or they blame their marriage for their emptiness. Scripture is full of verses that say only GOD satisfies. 

(spoiler alert: Your spouse is NOT God.)

Truth #2: Marriages fall apart when we don't trust God.

God heard my prayer, and Clay started a new job which had him traveling A LOT. 
I became ticked A LOT.

GOD GAVE HIM THIS JOB. We sat in our living room with tears in our eyes and goosebumps on our arms because it was so clear that God provided this position. 
WHAT THE HECK???

It was a perfect situation for spiritual growth. I am confident that Clay and I could have depended on God, prayed diligently for each other, made healthy choices about our time together, created healthy boundaries for his business, edified and built each other up, and remained a strong team. Um, those are not the choices that we made. 
When God allows His children to walk through the fire, they can CHOOSE to trust Him with each moment...or they can leave His protection and get burned. Can I just say, "Ouch."?

Truth #3: We are called to surrender. (That means quit fighting.)

A few years in, I was tired of being gracious. 

I wanted my old marriage back. I was mad at God. 

Clay was no longer funny. (Please acknowledge this as HUGE. Clay being funny and reminding me to breathe has always been a vital part of our marriage.)

Eventually, I couldn't fight (or cry) anymore. I finally decided to accept the life I had rather than keep fighting for the marriage I CRAVED. 

I had a clear vision of holding up the white flag of surrender. 

In war, no side will surrender unless they reach the point where the fight seems more painful than death, or enslavement, or imprisonment. I had reached that point. I was bloodied and battered from the battle, and I would accept this new marriage - as long as I didn't have to fight anymore. I was going to trust God. I was going to depend on Him. 

Soon after my surrender to God, Clay became funny again. 
I honestly wonder if God hardened Clay's heart for a while until I waved my white flag. I had to CHOOSE to love God more. To die to myself. To love Clay because he has innate value. 
In the past, I had loved Clay because he satisfied my needs, but we are called to love our spouses even when they don't. I needed to love Clay out of obedience to God...and not because he made me "happy".

I wish I would have fought the spiritual battle from the start - but I chose to fight Clay instead. God allowed me to make that choice. 

Thank you, Lord, for letting me learn that lesson. It brought me closer to You. You still used my poor decision for good and your glory. I definitely learned to love you more than Clay. 

Life improved for a while. Clay and I both made healthier choices for a couple of years. We got a reprieve from pain, enough to recover for round two. There was so much more to learn.

Truth #4: We twist scripture to support our selfish attitudes. 

Did you know it is possible to become so close to God that you don't even CARE about your spouse? Oh wait, I was sinning when I did that...

A few years ago, Clay once again became cocooned in an isolated work/stress bubble. 
I didn't want to fight this time. I knew I needed to turn to God. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided that God was ALL I needed.
Then, I twisted this spiritual decision into a convenient little package of lies.
I came to expect nothing good from Clay. (So he couldn't let me down.)
My running commentary became, "He won't. You are alone in this. You don't need Clay. You have God. God is enough."
I read scripture about marriage and husbands. I decided what our life was SUPPOSED to look like, and judged Clay when our marriage didn't match the picture in my head. 
CLAY was supposed to lead. HE was making unhealthy choices. HE needed to turn to Jesus. (All those sentences were true. There's the rub.)

Depending on God and searching His Word are healthy. 

Using that dependence as an excuse to harden my heart toward my spouse? Twisting scripture to judge him? Neglecting my responsibility to love and edify him?
The work of the enemy. 
All scripture and interaction with God should be applied to OURSELVES first. 
His word is used as a weapon against THE ENEMY. 
(Spoiler alert: Your spouse is NOT the enemy.)
I was making unhealthy choices and needed to turn to Jesus too.

Truth #5: GOD SAVES SCREWED UP MARRIAGES. 
I've seen it with my own eyes.
If both spouses turn to God, victory is guaranteed.
If only one spouse looks to God, it gets harder...but still very possible.

On many occasions I have seen men fall humbly to their knees and beg God to heal their marriages. Even when their wives had cheated on them, or if their wives had hard hearts toward them, I witnessed God prevail. It took repentance. It took obedience. It took leadership. It took consistency.
We woman are made for relationship. It is hard for us to resist a godly man...because he loves unselfishly. He considers us. He provides for our needs. He points us to God. 

Scripture also tells us that a man can be won over by the behavior of his wife (1 Peter 3:1). My own father preaches the validity of this scripture when he speaks of my mother's faith during THEIR harder years. Her life was a testimony showing him that God was worth trusting.

Clay and I have been slowly healing. We have (finally) been laughing again.
Prayer has been the biggest catalyst for this health.

Truth #6 God wants us to pray together (Matthew 18:20)
One morning when the alarm went off, in the dark quiet, I listened to God's leading rather than judging Clay for NOT leading. I held my husband's hand and started praying out loud.
(Let's be honest, I'm the verbal, passionate gusher in the family. If I want more out-loud processing about spiritual things in our marriage, it is probably MY job to initiate it. In our marriage oneness, Clay's half is passionate about music and generosity and laughter...my side has most of the words.)

I prayed for this man I love. I prayed for his job. I repented. I begged for wisdom and unity.
The next day, I prayed again.
By the third day, Clay joined in the prayer after I finished.
After a week or so, Clay even began initiating some of our prayer sessions.
One day, I watched him pray over our youngest son in a moment of frustration.
We were experiencing God's power. Home was becoming a safe place. Through prayer, we saw that we had common goals. We acknowledged that we were still a team...of THREE.

Truth #7 The Bible has instructions for healing a marriage.
God's word is alive and active. Sharper than a double edged sword. (Hebrews 4:12)
God's word WILL cut down the enemy. God's word will prune away all the ugly in us.
It will also change the way you look at your spouse. God's perspective changes things.

After praying, Clay and I were primed to listen for God (and to God).
I can't really tell you all the lessons Clay started learning. (I'm the gusher, remember?)
But I saw him on his Bible App in the mornings, and I noticed his schedule choices improve, and his BEHAVIOR softened. When we did talk, he would interact more and clam up less...and we would laugh.

As for me, I asked God to put a guard over my mouth. (Psalm 141:3)
I started TRYING not to correct, or rebuke Clay (or our boys). Instead, I put my energy into edification. (1 Thessolonians 5:11, Romans 14)
It's easy for me to trust that God will get me through big, hard situations. He has repeatedly proven himself faithful to solve those problems. Trusting Him to do a mighty work in daily issues while I hold my tongue, however, is not so easy. 
(It feels downright IMPOSSIBLE some days.)
I haven't really given God much opportunity to prove himself faithful in that area.
It's time.

We are climbing out of the hard; but Clay is still stressed at work, and I still like to tell people what is wrong with them. (You read my last post, right?) 
So we cling to the truth: God is faithful. 
(Really. He is.)

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philipians 1:6

I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Married Anymore

Clay and I had a blissful marriage for the first ten or twelve years. BLISS, I tell you.
We used to go on about how lucky we were. We actually had friends and family complain about how "in love" we were. (Eye-rolling was definitely involved.)
Even as late as 2012, I wrote a blog having to clarify to all of you that Clay was not, indeed, Superman. I knew I gushed about him a lot. I was consistently trying to accentuate the positive.

Long story short: things declined.
It took a while to get to the point where grace just quit winning, but we got there.
In the past few years, our home has been full of icy silences and loads of tension. We couldn't talk about anything of substance without arguing. The same stubbornness which kept us fighting, also kept us talking to each other on a surface level and attempting to be "happily married".  We knew God wanted more for us than what we were experiencing, but we lived angry at each other or pretending not to be.
So when our friend uttered, "I'm not even sure I want to be married anymore," he might have expected a sympathetic response. We understood the distance he was experiencing in his marriage. We were a safe place for this kind of confession.
Then my husband of over 17 years, looked our friend in the eyes and replied with love and conviction, "Does it really MATTER what you want?"

Rock on, Clay.

Promises have been made. Children are involved. Adulthood has arrived. Maturity is required. Stomping our feet and wanting our way is not going to improve the situation or benefit the greater good. And yet...that is exactly what our whole culture does.

How has it become acceptable in our world to simply quit being family?
We don't get to say, "I don't want to be a parent anymore. My kids don't make me as happy as I thought they would."
(Well, we may say it...but anyone who actually makes that parenting choice is chalked up as selfish, heartless, scum of the earth - to put it nicely.)

We constantly deal with situations that are not ideal or easy, but we figure out how to maneuver within them because we HAVE NO CHOICE. We can't say, "My car is wrecked, but I still owe money on it. I'm just going to quit paying the loan because I am no longer experiencing the happiness I expected."
Again, we COULD take that path, but we would hide that information from society so they don't easily find out about the resulting debt-collectors and see us for the self-centered, childish sucktons that we are. (I just made that word up. Feel free to use it. Satan wants us all to be sucktons.)

So we won't/can't walk away from some of our responsibilities; but, "I'm not happy. I don't want to be married anymore," has become perfectly acceptable in our culture...and in our churches.
It's like people forget that they made a COVENANT WITH GOD.

Christian brothers and sisters, how did we become spoiled pansies with such hypocritical, empty faith? What happened to good character? How have we made God so small, so theoretical, so NOT REAL? How have we chosen to ignore the benefits that come from perseverance, endurance...and TRUST. COME ON, PEOPLE!
Most of us have learned how to walk, talk, or ride a bike. We have seen the benefits of diligently working to accomplish a hard task. Getting back up after falling down has brought us victory in areas of our lives. Blessings can come!
God promised that He can use all things for the good of those who love him.
He WILL bring glory to himself if we obey, believe, and follow!

We don't expect our kids to fulfill us. We get hurt by them (all.the.time), yet still love them. They say jerky things, and we give them grace. We even take some of the blame for their crappy attitudes or make excuses for them.
"That apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"He probably just needs a nap."
(I bet it would make a HUGE difference if I would just let Clay take a nap.)

We don't expect our friends to fulfill us. They have LIVES OF THEIR OWN. They are messes (just like us) that need our love and support. They can't be dealing with OUR drama all the time. (Or if they do, they may need to grab a quick nap before making the phone call to interact with our baggage.) Friendship provides the luxury of space. We only see them in small spurts, so they don't get as many chances to tick us off.

So, why do we expect our spouse to fulfill us? Why do we expect perfection, right attitudes, and every moment to be like movie highlights? How can our spouse POSSIBLY have the capability to ignore their own perspective and see things from our point of view when they are made so very differently than we were? We can't do that for them, afterall. Where were we supposed to learn this skill in the first place? As children? (I know my children are not learning that skill.)
We are so warped to expect that kind of miraculous "oneness". It takes DIFFERENT pieces of a puzzle to make a beautiful picture. A pile of the same pieces just stays a pile.
The Bible warns us that those who marry will have troubles in this life. (1 Corinthians 7:28)
We need to quit being shocked by the trouble and embrace the value in it.

The Holy Spirit's love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control are being missed in this world. (Galatians 5:22-23) We don't experience them, because we don't experience HIM.
Instead, we expect all that wonderful fruit to be provided by our spouse.
(Lucky human. Such a huge, IMPOSSIBLE task.)

I am writing this blog to stay, "Stop it already!"

I told you I should not be trusted to write blogs and post them without days of contemplation.
You are getting a whole lot of REAL.
I have spent the last two years yelling at myself every time I consider my own momentary happiness rather than keep my eyes focused on the big picture. Now I have decided to yell at you too. I have learned so much by persevering, and we both know that I don't learn well alone.

Clay and I are on a fabulous (if not a bit rocky) path back to being a team. Back to passion.
Back to the sickly, electric, grace-filled love that we lost. We have been fighting like crazy in efforts to get back to that place. (No, fighting hasn't really helped in the efforts; but perseverance in faith IS.)
We both want to be healthy. We both WANT to be happy again. We finally asked GOD to show us how...and quit trying to fix it on our own.

My next blog will be much more positive. I promise.
I'll let you know about the 5-7 year journey we have been on, how we ended up living in the HARD, the lessons we learned (and are still learning) while walking through it, and the solutions God keeps providing.

Even when life is hard. God is faithful. (And sunglasses are useful.)

*the small print: This post is not saying you must stay in an adulterous marriage. It is not saying that you should stay in an abusive marriage. It is saying that life is bigger than your happiness...and that doing hard things brings great reward. So if you do not have Biblical grounds to leave...suck it up. Make sure that God is the lamp unto your feet in each and every path you choose.

(The next post has been written: The Truth(s) About Marriage)

Before Kids

I recently read the book What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty.
(Actually, I listened to it. It is set in Australia, so the accents probably made the book better than it actually was.)
In the book, a 39 year old mother of three (in the middle of divorce) hits her head and wakes up thinking she is 29 again. She has no recollection of the last 10 years.
29 was when she was newly married, madly in love, and pregant with her first child.

This book KICKED. MY. BUTT.
In it, "29 year old" Alice was shocked by the way her husband spoke to 39 year old Alice.
She was confused by the seriousness of her current life. Everything always seemed so urgent and important. Didn't they have fun anymore?
Alice read some emails she had written to her husband leading up to the divorce and she COULD NOT BELIEVE that she could have ever written such things to the love of her life. So bitter. So harsh.

It got me thinking about Clay and I - before kids.
I would watch Nascar races (I joined a Nascar Fantasy League and CARED ABOUT MY TEAM.)
We would spend hours playing video games with each other. (It can be therapeutic to blow up your spouse.)
We almost got kicked out of birthing classes. (We were so busy flirting and giggling with each other than the coach got a bit irritated.)
There was a lot of grace to be had in our home. That "was" is almost painful to read.

Since that stage of life, things have gotten much more serious.
His career, our children, homeschooling, ministries, responsibilities, blah, blah, blah.
It has all added up to stress.
Our fuses have shortened. We don't have TIME for video games.
We too often forget to play. We forget to be best friends...like we used to be.
It's messed up.
Clay may have less hair than when we were younger and starry-eyed, but he is still the love of my life. The goal is to stop and remember that. Daily.
We need to look into each other's eyes and SEE the young, playful souls that remain...and coax them back out. We need to CHOOSE not to be old, grumpy, married people.
I need to choose to be the flirty wife.

No more "remembering back when"...
We need to ENJOY (and properly prioritize) the now.
Lord, remind me what it was like when we were twenty-five.
Bring back the love and grace in a POWERFUL way. Give us YOUR love and grace.
I want to be starry-eyed (toward Clay) forever.

It Seemed Like a Good Idea...At The Time

In honor of Father's Day...

Children: Ages 6 and 8
Soccer season was blending right into baseball season, and Clay, being a good dad, was in the front yard playing both sports with our boys.
Clay, also being Clay, decided that it would be GREAT fun to pitch a soccer ball to our small children so they could hit it with their aluminum baseball bat.
Micah, our cautious and thinking child, questioned the "brilliance" (and safety) of his father's new brainstorm and refused to be the guinea pig.
Evan, the apple which fell right at the foot of the proverbial tree, jumped up to volunteer.
The soccer ball SOARED across the yard as Evan's bat made contact.
Oh, what fun they had discovered!
Micah soon decided that success had been proven and that he needed to join the crazy.
(He may be cautious, but he knows not to miss out.)
He stepped up to the plate, swung away...and his bat bounced squarely off the soccer ball and ricocheted back into his head. The resulting bump grew so big and so fast that little brother broke down into tears at the sight of it. ("WHAT happened to Micah's HEAD???!!!???")
This mother's heart sank as wails reached her ears.
My family of boys entered the house, father holding one weeping child, little brother still traumatized.
My eyes met the eyes of my beloved. Mine questioning. His eyebrows raised...and I heard his famous phrase, "It seemed like a good idea...at the time."

Child: Age 10
My youngest boy, the animal lover, desperately wanted a pet he could snuggle.
Fish just weren't cutting it anymore. With our allergies, he knew he was fighting a losing battle if he tried to push for a furry friend...so he focused on the reptile family.
A snake.
Clay caught a snake as a boy...and permanently lost it somewhere inside the old farmhouse.
Clay's parents never knew about the arrangement, but since Evan's wishes were on our radar...Clay was NOT going to repeat that particular scenario in our suburban home.
No pets at the Rassi home - except fish. Conversation over.
Clay doesn't like to be mean. He prefers to lighten a tense mood with a joke.
Knowing this about my husband, please give him a LITTLE grace when you hear what happened next. (That's what I have to do - daily - as I remember that his heart is pure even when I don't agree with his methods).
***The next day***
I was walking down the hall, Evan behind me, when he started whining, "Dad told me I couldn't have a snake! He didn't even talk to YOU. He just said, 'NO'. He said the only snake I'm am allowed to have is a Trouser Snake."
I stopped in my tracks and lifted a prayer, "Please God, let there be an ACTUAL SNAKE called a Trouser Snake."
I slowly turned to look at my son and innocently asked, "Um, what's a Trouser Snake?"
He fought very hard to stay upset (he was trying to manipulate his way into his mother's sympathies after all), but a smile peeked through his eyes as he pointed to the place in his trousers that covers the natural "snake" that God attached to all Y chromosomes.
I sighed and responded, "I'm sorry you can't have a "real" snake, but that's just how it is...and you probably shouldn't tell your friends about that OTHER snake. It is kind of like Santa Clause. We'll let THEIR parents tell them all about it, OK?"
Then I shot off a text to my other half: "A Trouser Snake? Really?"
I could almost see him wince as he realized he was "caught". His response?
"Sorry. I wanted to distract him from the pet. It seemed like a good idea...at the time."

Now, let me share with you how the previous scenarios support that Clay is actually a GOOD father:

• Clay makes these parenting "faux pas" because he gets carried away HAVING FUN WITH HIS CHILDREN. He adores them. They are two of his very best friends...so he sometimes forgets that they don't have 30 extra years of life experience and maturity to be able to handle his humor. That's why there is grace. God gave these boys to my man. He is the VERY BEST THING FOR THEM. I'm not worried.
• As he jokes, our boys learn to rise above each situation and look at it from a higher (big-picture) perspective. They learn that laughter can get us through an awful lot of heartache...as long as we remember where our joy comes from. It's not from following rules and jumping through hoops. Joy is not found in perfection. (In fact, their dad shows them that we can LAUGH when we make mistakes...and learn from them rather than be defeated.)
• Clay teaches my boys to be leaders who forge their own trail, not followers staying in someone else's tiny little box. (Boxes are boring...unless you turn them into pirate ships or spacecrafts...or stick your brother inside of them...ahem.)
• He is teaching them how to take risks - ones that require God's help to navigate.
• They are also learning how to get back up when they (quite literally) get knocked down.
• Clay does everything authentically, without pretense...even being a father. My boys see who he REALLY is, not a facade. They hear him acknowledge (and sometimes even apologize) if he realizes that he crossed a line. They see him mature (honestly!) in areas of his life and lead them in brand new ways. Authenticity is one of the character traits that most drew me to this mate of mine. And even if it's a quality I question at times, it's one that I want my children to model.

I wanted to honor Clay this special weekend.
I could write a whole other blog about the things he is teaching my boys about being a godly husband, but our 15 year anniversary is next month so you can read about that then.
Instead, I hope I made you laugh and pointed you to God at the same time. That is how Clay was made to impact this world - and (in my eyes) he is beautifully living out that purpose.

Dueteronomy 6:5-7 
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

(And when you play Legos with them, or when you are jamming on musical instruments, and when you coach their sports teams, or when you are wrestling in the dining room, and when...) 

Slap Jack Times Two

Early in our marriage, Clay and I would play card games at night.
We learned quickly that Slap Jack was NOT a game to play if we were trying to strengthen our marriage.
You see, Clay was not as good at Slap Jack as I was.
Nope, he was not a sore loser.
In actuality, I was a sore winner...and had the bruises to prove it.

The goal in Slap Jack is to collect all the cards in the deck.
We would take turn flipping cards; and when a jack would appear, the first to slap it would win all the cards in the pile.
I would inevitably slap the jack first, but Clay's massive meat mallet hand would end up SLAMMING down on top of mine. He'd blame it on momentum, shrug, and reply, "I guess you just need to decide how badly you REALLY want that jack. Is winning WORTH it?"
I like to think of Clay as a protective, sweet man, who's competitive nature is nothing compared to the love he has for his woman. It's obviously a delusional thought, but it's where I live.
So...we no longer play Slap Jack - for the sake of our marriage and my delusional world.
_________________________

The other day, Clay and I were spending some quality time. (We have to work at it a bit more now that we aren't newly married and living in an apartment with nothing to do but draw, play guitar, and wrestle around naked after playing cards.)
We took a Sunday afternoon, let the boys play video games in the basement as long as they wanted and chose to INTERACT with each other. We talked and laughed and wrestled around a bit (fully clothed,  unfortunately, but we WERE in the middle of the sun-room and children could decide they needed hydration at any minute and emerge from the stairwell. We have no desire to scar them in that way - on purpose.)
Anywho...
It was a really good day.
At some point, I pulled out my iPhone to make a note. Clay decided to be annoying while I was trying to type and asked, "You want to play Slap Jack?"
Then, he started poking me and picking at me so I couldn't type.
I pushed the 'Siri' button. I planned to SPEAK my note so I wouldn't have to type.
He began yelling, "Slap Jack, Slap Jack," every time I tried to speak into my phone.
This is what I ended up with:
"slapjack flapjack topdeck Merbrook that ended typing slapjack or at the VA back out of me or Woodenshoe" (Woodenshoe? I no longer have any idea what I was trying to say.)

It is now Clay's goal to start a worldwide phenomena...
Every time someone starts giving their phone verbal commands, he wants SOMEONE to start yelling "slap jack" at them. It could be such a great, annoying trend. *shudder*

*sidenote* My husband can not hear the word phenomena or any other similar sounding 4 syllable word without singing it to the following Muppet song. I love that man.

Good Day, Bad Day

On a good day, I REALLY appreciate it when my husband takes the time to sweep up all the crumbs under the kitchen table.
On a bad day, I REALLY get annoyed that he leaves all the crumbs in a pile next to the table so I can sweep them up to sweep up "later".

On a good day, school is a wonderful opportunity to spend time with my boys and learn about God's great world while doing hands-on activities and ENJOYING ourselves.
On a bad day, school is a burdensome chore that I don't feel equipped to handle (involving ungrateful, complaining little people - whom I could easily send away to public school...)

On a good day, it's funny when my 4th grader has a quirky comment for every situation.
On a bad day, "that boy ain't right...and it's all Clay's fault".

Sadly, I can go from a good day to a bad day in a fraction of a second.
I forget that any day that I have life... is a good day.
I forget that every difficult moment can be used for my benefit and God's glory.
I forget to count my blessings.

Thankfully, I can also go from a bad day to a good day quite quickly.
I remember all the past trials which I have gotten through...that have strengthened me.
I remember that God not only changed my life, but He can change my moment.
I remember to count my blessings.

• Healthy, intelligent children who make me laugh
• Coffee with cream in my cup...and more where that came from
• A hard-working husband who is faithful and funny
• A rainy, cool day which makes hot soup more enjoyable
• Friends who pray with me and encourage me and live life with me
• A powerful, sovereign God whose promises never fail

That's a darn good start to a very long list...

What are your blessings? 

Is today going to be a good day or a bad day? 

We each have a choice to make.

As for me and my house, I think we'll play some uplifting music, then go out on the back porch and eat some soup while we watch the animals play (and listen to a history cd). 

I'll attempt to do my part in making the next few moments good. It's the choice I want to make.

Should I eat Chick Fil A or crow?

People I respect stood in long lines to buy chicken and support Chick Fil A.
People I respect are currently boycotting Chick Fil A and calling them bigots.

I haven't shared much of an opinion in all of it.
I've probably even been a little self-righteous while "rising above" it all.
But then it happened...and I got taken down a few pegs.

Clay hurt my feelings on Saturday afternoon.
I felt that he stepped on my "rights".
I knew he was WRONG (I'm telling you, even God would think so)...and I told him so.
I made it clear  - through my body language, my tone, and my words - that He treated me unfairly.
After my little fit, I stormed away and went to take a shower.

God talks to me a lot in the shower. (Maybe it has something to do with being totally exposed, but I tend to listen better in there.)

As I angrily lathered my hair and grumbled about Clay, all the thoughts I've had toward BOTH sides of the Chick Fil A/Gay rights debate came FLOODING back to me.

All week I kept thinking, "People are much more likely to process a differing opinion (or actually change their mind) when spoken to with love, face-to-face (and perhaps while drinking a mocha). I definitely wouldn't change MY mind if I was busy defending myself because I felt attacked and people were calling me names."

Although I didn't call Clay names (out loud), I surely didn't give him a mocha and speak kind words out of a loving and humble spirit.

All week, I kept thinking, "The 'issues' are NEVER more important than the person with whom we are speaking. The person God made in His image. The person that needs to see God as much as we need to see God."

Except Clay (apparently). I decided that my issue was more important than respecting him in that moment. My feelings were more important than humbly showing Christ's love to Clay (even if he WAS wrong). *sigh*

I hate feeling this need to prove I'm right and get my way.
I don't even like my compulsion to prove that God is 'right'.
(Like He needs me to prove anything for Him.)

The Holy Spirit reveals truth to those who seek Him. (John 16:13-15)
I want to help others (even Clay) be inspired to seek Christ and hear God's voice for themselves. When God is the focus, He can change ALL parties involved...even me.

I need to let others have their own opinions - even if I think they are wrong or not biblical. 
God gave everyone the freedom to seek Him or deny Him.
I need to let them apply that freedom.

If I stop focusing on me and focus my eyes on God when I don't agree with someone, I might just reflect His joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control in such a powerful way that they would be drawn toward Him.
That sounds a lot better than being right.

The problem is, I'm spoiled.
In my marriage, I think I am supposed to be catered to heard because my husband loves me dearly. I assume I should have the freedom to whine (and maybe stomp my foot) if I don't get my way.
That's how it works, we tend to get a bit entitled when we have good things.
Since we have freedom, we expect freedom; but who says we "deserve" this freedom?
Who says that freedom REALLY matters?
Freedom to speak, freedom to marry whoever we want, freedom to believe whatever we want to believe...
This life isn't about our freedoms through the law; our freedom in Christ is much more important.

It is freeing to know that God can use ALL things for our good. (Romans 8:28)
It is freeing to know that God has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

These promises provide peace...and freedom.
Sure, we can use our votes to express our beliefs, but we can't expect to legislate hearts.
If we lose the vote (regardless of the 'side' we are on), God can use it for His glory and others can be drawn to TRUE freedom.We need to focus on that and let God move through us instead of reacting to differing views out of fear.

So, I apologized to Clay.
I ate my crow and admitted that my response to him was disrespectful and that he matters more to me than being "right". We didn't really settle the issue, but there is respect and love in our home while we trust God to guide our next steps.
I got down off my self-righteous box and realized that I am no different than all my friends who have been so vocal in all their emotions and 'rightness'. I just hope this lesson sticks. I don't like the taste of crow.
And I hope that my lesson can help others evaluate their own actions.
Trust me, I'll share my crow with you if you need to eat some too.

Intimacy

My eyes get big and I shoot a warning look at my dear husband. 

In my head I think, "Don't say it."

He slyly grins, raises his eyebrows and nods mischievously.

I purse my lips (trying not to smile at him, but it shows in my eyes) and he knows I'm thinking, "It's inappropriate, you are going to cross a line for some of these people."

He evaluates the situation...and sometimes it is enough that I know what he is thinking, so he gives in to my wishes and holds his tongue...sometimes.

________________________________
Without a word, we have conversations.
Funny how we can do this with our spouses, our children, our closest friends.

It's like telepathy. 

It is possible, because we know each other well. 

We have put in the time.

We have listened. 

We have been authentic.

This is intimacy.

Intimacy is being able to finish each other's sentences...because we've spent so much time interacting that we KNOW how the other will respond.

Intimacy is connection...and it is something I'm seeking more of in my spiritual life. 

I want to think the thoughts of God. 
I cannot finish His sentences - because I haven't spent nearly enough time with Him to know what He is going to say.

I've always dismissed this little matter of fact.
I mean, how am I supposed to be so close to GOD that I think his thoughts when He's not sitting next to me telling me jokes and laughing in a high-pitched cackle...or low, slow groan. 
SEE, I don't even know His laugh! 
If I don't know Jesus's favorite food, how He takes his coffee, or whether He thinks farts are funny or crude...how can I have "intimacy" with Him? So, I justify my lack of closeness.

For years, I vaguely loved God. 
What's NOT to love? He encompasses all things GOOD. 
Then, I got challenged that my devotion to God should be more than good "feelings" or heartfelt theories...so I started to look toward Christ.
How did He live? What does loving God look like when it's lived out?


That was a good step. 
I started to "get to know" my God by reading about Jesus and trying to live like him, but I was still constantly trying to "figure things out". 
I was gaining knowledge, but how was I supposed to apply it? 
There is just TOO MUCH good to do! How could I decide?
I wanted Jesus to show up as a man in my living room and TELL me, but He REFUSED.
There seemed to be so much guesswork in this faith thing. 
There is always MORE to do, more to learn, more, more, more...
It would be easy to just sink into apathy with my brain twisting up in knots, but years of foggy understanding had left me wanting. I wasn't ready to throw in the towel.

Matthew 7:7 says:
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." 

The more I seek, the less cloudy things keep getting.
My Sunday school class has been reading Francis Chan's book Forgotten God.
I also just finished listening to Corrie ten Boom's book Tramp for the Lord.
Both are very HOLY SPIRIT focused. I don't think it's a coincidence that the timing of both of these books coincided in my life. 
God must have decided I needed some help on my journey for "more".


As I read, both authors seemed to be saying "If you are a Christian, you SHOULD be hearing God...and if you aren't, you are doing it wrong."
I turned to scripture to see if I found the same message or if these Christians were off-base.

In seeking, I found a missing piece in my spiritual puzzle (more like a whole side of precious border pieces). Oh, I knew the pieces were supposed to be there. I knew that knowing the Holy Spirit was part of knowing God. I had searched and researched and looked high and low for those puzzle pieces on a number of occasions...but they must have fallen behind the heavy hutch in the dining room - because it took a supernatural moving team to expose them to me.


In John 16:7, Christ said, "It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counselor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you."
As I read the context around that verse, it's as if Christ is saying that living with the Holy Spirit is even better for us than having JESUS sitting on the couch next to us. 


The Bible says, God gives the Spirit to those who ask Him. (Luke 11:13)
The Spirit LIVES IN US. (1 Cor. 6:19)
If we ask, we can have GOD. IN. US. 
Wisdom, power, revelation, knowledge, truth, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control...all things GOD - pulsing through us. 
So, WHY are we not experiencing an intimacy where we finish His sentences and know God's thoughts?
*smack!*

Wow! That thought has changed me in the past month.
I've started acknowledging the Holy Spirit instead of squelching Him.
I've started asking Him questions and EXPECTING answers because it has been PROMISED to me in scriptures. He is a being that wants RELATIONSHIP with me.
I've started listening and ASKING God to make sure I know it's Him.
I've started memorizing truths about the Holy Spirit so when the world tells me that "hearing" from God seems a bit unrealistic, I can be reminded that those thoughts are OUTRIGHT LIES.

It's been a month of tears. I'm just not used to all these Jehovah Shemmah (God is there) moments. It's been overwhelming...and Beautiful. (with a capital B)

If you are seeking as well, I'd love for you to join me on this journey.
We can pray for each other - that God helps us move the heavy furniture that is keeping us from finding all the pieces of the puzzle.
It's a beautiful picture He has created, and I want to see it ALL.

The Qualifier

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When I speak about my husband, I tend to share about rainbows and lollipops and romantic gestures. According to my blog and many conversations I have with friends, you'd think I married Superman.

I once had a friend say, "You don't even know how to complain about your husband properly. You always preface your remark with 'Clay is such a good man, I don't know WHY I'm so frustrated with ______.'" 

(That's some tricky punctuation - a quote within a quote at the end of a sentence? Looked funny, but it's right - I Googled it.)

I digress...

I'm here to announce that...
Wait for it...

Clay.
Is.
Not.
Superman.

He irritates me, he "ruins" moments, and (on occasion) he has a nose hair try to escape his right nostril. The thing is, if I choose to focus on the imperfections, I KNOW my marriage will be difficult. So, even when I'm alone with my own thoughts and catch myself glaring holes into the back of a family member's head...I try to stop myself. I try to list the things I love about them. I try to focus on the greater good. I try to focus on the bigger picture. I try NOT to focus on ME.

Notice I said, "I try..."
I'm not Superman (or Supergirl, or Wonder Woman) either.

How is your thought-life? Do others see the good in your spouse because that is what you have shown them? Do you defend and protect the good in your spouse? He/she is made in the image of God. There IS good there...are you looking for it? And are you letting your spouse know that you see it - and are thankful for it?

Challenge:
Let's write down all the things that our spouses do - that we may take for granted. And let's make sure that we DON'T take them for granted...at least not today.

• He went to work to earn money.
• He shares that money with me and the kids.
• He made more coffee than he needed so I would have some to drink too.
• He snuggled my son when he woke up.
• He called the bank. (I didn't have to!)
• He kissed me goodbye.
• He...

I bet this list will be pretty long. I think I might need to show him the list too.

Romance Can Be a Choice

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What if we tried to see our marriages like romance novels?
Those books, *I've heard*, don't bother to discuss the mundane details in life.
(Nobody would read them.)
Instead, they focus on the highlights that happen throughout a day.
How much would our marriages change if we intentionally focused on the good thoughts that pop into our heads, nice gestures, and the way that our spouses fulfill their family responsibilities rather than taking them for granted?

Yes, sometimes mushy novels mention negative emotions or mundane activities; but even then, they lace them with attractive language. It's such a different situation than "real life" because the reader often gets to climb into the heads of all parties involved. Harsh actions can even "make sense" when loving thoughts are attached to them.
For instance, a book might say...
"He didn't want to lash out at her, she meant too much to him...so he held his tongue." (swoon)

How could that sentence make a gal swoon?
If this scenario happened in the average home, a typical wife (who couldn't possibly be me) might hear (or not hear) the quiet tongue and RAGE that her husband refuses to speak. It can definitely be a challenge not to be instantly irritated when Clay spouses respond with the silent treatment.

Now, let's stop and see how to "romance novel" this up...
What if he is silent to protect me? What if he does it so he doesn't make the situation worse? What if it is a way of LOVING me that I. just. can't. see. (or hear)

Romance is often a matter of perspective. Godly perspective.
We must CHOOSE to find and focus on the highlights in every moment.
We must give the benefit of the doubt to our spouse and climb into their shoes.

Will you join me? Let's take our gray, mundane situations and see something colorful - and worthy of the Song of Solomon.

"He could have rolled over and went back to sleep. He'd done it before when exhaustion had caught up with him, but this morning he wandered into the kitchen where I stood drinking a glass of water. I love it when it is just the two of us in a quiet house. I think he secretly loves it too, but even if he doesn't... he got up so I could have my sweet moment, and so that he could kiss me goodbye as I headed out the door.

He knows how good it is for our marriage when he starts his day on the couch reading his Bible, so while I was gone - that's just what he did. How could I NOT love this man. Many days he chooses to do what is best, when he'd prefer to sneak a few extra minutes in our warm bed.

After walking with the neighbors, I came home to the smell of coffee. He always makes us coffee. On the weekends, when I'm home with him, he even brings me a cup – sweet and creamy just how I like it..."

Wow, that is quite a different way to look at my average morning. It could have said, "I got up and went walking. Clay got up, made a pot of coffee, and read."

I'll choose the first (but exactly the same) scenario, please - and maybe throw in a few steamy sections to boot.
All it takes is a choice. What will you choose?

10 Things "My Mama Said" About Marriage

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Some days, it's obvious by the actions of my children that "wah wah wah wah" is all they are hearing when I speak. I'm sure my mom felt the same way when I was a child; and yet, some things did manage to sink into this thick skull o' mine.
I am dedicating this Top Ten Tuesday to things "My Mama Said" which have made a big difference in my marriage.

My Mama Said...

1. Pick Your battles. I thought Mom was a "doormat" when she chose to hold her tongue. 
• Then, I grew up. (some) Now, I also want people to see my love for them, not my frustration with them. Of course, this attitude is much harder to live out with my husband than with a friend...or neighbor...or the stranger at the store. I'm slowly learning that my family (including my husband) doesn't have to agree with me and jump through every hoop I place in front of them. They are *gulp* INDIVIDUALS. I need to let them be different than my expectations (as long as they aren't crossing moral lines). 
2. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Don't call names. Never tell anyone you hate them. If it can't be said respectfully, then it shouldn't be said. 
• With the wagging tongue God gave me, I needed this brainwashing mantra to start early. Good thing He also gave me Mom - who would speak this truth to me often. 
3. Giggle...giggle...and more giggles. My dad joked about sex - a lot. Mom never made faces, rolled her eyes, or let out a big sigh. She would just giggle. She made me think that sex within marriage might be fun "someday". She never made it seem like a chore...but a benefit to being married. 
• I'm sure Clay and I make a lot of people uncomfortable while he jokes about sex and I giggle; but talking about it keeps sex from being an "unimportant" part of our marriage...and I wouldn't have it any other way.
4. Don't use physical affection as a weapon. When my little brother would tick me off and then try to sit by me or reach out to me, I would jerk my arm/hand/body away in protest. He didn't DESERVE the right to be near me. My mother quickly made it clear that his position as my brother (whom I loved dearly) was enough to earn him a respectful response - even when I didn't feel like it. Withholding love "as a punishment" was not an option. 
• Fast-forward 30 years. Clay's position as my husband (whom I dearly love) is enough. I refuse to withhold any part of me. We are one, and love is still not a weapon.
5. Yes, I love your father more than you. Yep, she said it. We kids knew that Mom "had our back" when we needed to approach Dad about something. She understood our "why" and the emotions we felt. She would go to bat for us. This could have given us a very different impression than she wanted us to have. So, when we would childishly quip something like, "Why are you making vegetable soup since we all hate veggie soup - except for Dad? Do you love him more than us?" She would answer, "Yep. You kids will move on and find your own partners for life. If you try to make me choose between him and you, you should know that I will always choose him."
6. I won't talk bad about your father.  Mom didn't say negative things about Dad. She didn't want others to look down on him. She wanted to protect him. She wanted to protect THEM. Verbalizing frustrations can be a way of dwelling on them. She preferred to sing praises about my father's strengths and speak of his weaknesses to God (or to him, in private). 
• Wow, this has made a marked difference in my own marriage. Every time I share a praise about Clay, I'm reminded why I love him. If I need to "vent" about my man, I try to share with my mom or one of my girlfriends who care more about my marriage than they do about my feelings. I know they will defend him when possible and remind me to give grace when necessary.
7. Never go to bed angry. I can't be responsible for my husband's attitude, but I can give my anger to God (even if things aren't resolved before bed). Mom instilled in me a desire to have resolution; but even more, she modeled that life is about loving others...not about "being right". (And since I'm the one in our house who struggles most with being frustrated...I guess it's good that she was MY mom.)
8. I want the house (and myself) to be something that Dad WANTS to come home to. Dinner was generally cooking, the house was generally straightened, and when Mom would comb her hair or fix her make-up - we knew Dad would be home soon. 
• While make-up and dinner may not both be managed on any given day, I try to let my partner know that he is worth my effort. I don't want to only get dolled up for my friends or the grocery store clerk. I want to treat him like I would if I was still trying to seduce him "win him over". That means, I take care of my body. I notice him when he walks in the door...and give him a big kiss. I do what I can to make our home (and his wife) something he can be proud of and a place where he WANTS to be.
9. A marriage needs protective walls. This could be a blog of its own. Oh wait, I already wrote it! My parents held hands all the time. It was their way to announce to the world that they were both "taken". My mom shared how married people should be each other's best friends. No secrets. They shouldn't spend time alone with people of the opposite sex. That welcomes temptation. Once married, flirtation is meant for a spouse. None other. 
10. Divorce is not an option. Mom didn't even joke about divorce. If one of us kids tried to, she would say, "Divorce isn't a joke. It should not be taken lightly. It is not an option."  Sure, my parents had their struggles; but I NEVER questioned whether or not they would stay together. I had peace about them even when there was tension. 
• I have that same peace in my own marriage. Luckily, my jocular man (who pokes fun at EVERYTHING) also doesn't think divorce is funny at all.

I'm so glad my mom kept repeating herself.
I hope this encourages you in your own parenting -  to be vigilant and to persevere.
The kids may only hear half of our words, but if we say them enough...they might actually sink in.

(This is also linked with the Hip Homeschool Hop)

Jealousy Ain't So Bad...

Hi, I'm Becky Rassi...and I'm a jealous wife.
Some people might think I should be in a 12 step program.
Yep, I'm THAT jealous.
Luckily, my husband isn't one of those people...so it works out.

The thing is, I think being 'jealous' has gotten a bit of a bad reputation.
Let me explain: I see myself  like God in this area.
*Sorry if you just spit your drink across the room.*

I'm not saying I'm like God in ALL areas, I'm just saying that my God...is a jealous God. (Deuteronomy 4:18)
He wants me to serve NOBODY else - just Him.
This makes COMPLETE sense to me.
I understand how God could get irritated if I started treating other things, like money or my family, as more important than Him. I mean, He MADE me - that's a pretty big deal (and only the TIP of the iceberg of reasons why He deserves my utter devotion.)

So, if God is allowed to be jealous and since He DOESN'T SIN, then I think it's possible for me to be jealous for my husband and NOT SIN. (I'm not talking about insecure jealousy where a wife questions her husband's integrity and jumps to conclusions any time he talks with another woman. I'm pretty sure THAT is sin.)
I'm simply writing about the jealousy that causes protective marital walls to surround a marriage. I want my husband to be on his guard. I want him to avoid being alone with another woman. I want him to be aware of other women  - and that they will WANT him because he is so fabulously hilarious and cute and helpful.
I want him alert. After all, the devil is prowling around like a lonely woman roaring lion seeking whom he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8)

My claws come out when I stand next to my husband and a woman speaks to him without bothering to acknowledge me in any way. I'm that territorial. A woman must approach my husband with a deferential posture. She must be friendly to ME if she wants me to happily allow her to have access to my man. I need to know her intentions. (I am the dominate female after all. My position MUST be respected.)

Sound arrogant? It's not, just ask me.
I would TOTALLY do the same for any other woman. If I must speak to someone's husband, I prefer to get to know his wife first so I can let her know (with my friendly smile and eye contact) that I appreciate her marriage and her role in his life. I want to let her know that I just need some information before I scoot back to my own place: next to MY man.

I actually think our society isn't jealous enough.
Husbands and wives should be on their guards. (Oh yes, this is a two-way street, Clay expects me to have my guard up and doesn't want me rubbing shoulders, or elbows - or any other body part - with other men if it can be avoided.)

Go ahead, tell me we're crazy...and I will tell you that you're right.
We're CRAZY in love (after almost 14 years.)

Expectations - doh!

They keep growing. I blinked, and they got big.

Here I am, given day after day of precious life...and like a fool, I take those cherished days and pile them high with expectations.  I'm always making (very long) "to do" lists for myself - and I generally have one for my handsome man as well. (Oh, and don't forget the kids! I have a whole list of shoulds, wills, and 'why nots?' for them too!)

Luckily, the leader of our home isn't affected by his lists (that I made for him) in the same way that I am challenged by mine. Sure, he'll try to take a peak at them once in a while and even draws a line through accomplished tasks on occasion; but the infernal lists do not phase him - not even for a minute.

Instead, my dear husband spends his time doing things that nobody bothered to write down.
He does silly things, helpful things, energizing things, lazy things...and thoroughly enjoys himself in the process. 

Today I noticed that I have been clenching my teeth and missing so much with my "checklist blinders" on. The expectations I've been trying to meet are my own - and some of them are just plain ridiculous. I'm so glad God balanced the other side of my "responsibility" scale with someone who sees which responsibilities actually matter.

He models laughter to me - and to our kids.
He models hard work, but in good timing and proper moderation.
He balances out my intensity with a broad smile...and a cup of coffee placed in my hands.

I don't know how many days God wants to give me...but I like being reminded on occasion that they are indeed numbered. I'm glad to have this moment of clarity, being reminded to enjoy my right now...even if I still have to check some things off my list.

Laughing 'Til I Cried

On my birthday, Clay made me cry...from laughter.
6:00 a.m. and it was still dark.
He snuggled up to me and wished me 'Happy Birthday'.
We lay there quietly until he broke the silence and said, "I spit on myself in my sleep last night."
I lost it...and choked out through chortles and chuckles, "How do you know?"
"It woke me up. I was aware I was dreaming, I felt my my mouth fill up with spit; and I thought, 'I'm in bed - I can't spit.' and then I woke up when it hit my face."

That laugh was one of the best birthday gifts I had all day. It came from my toes and right out my eyes.
My handsome man could have kept that bit of information to himself, but he KNEW it would produce laughter. And in this house, it is practically a SIN to keep joy down...so out the anecdote came.
Boy, am I glad I married him.

The very next day, we were sitting at the breakfast table when I heard:
"Mom, I forget how to wrinkle my chin."
A perplexed look had to have crept across my face because I thought, "Hmm, how DO you wrinkle your chin?"
I tried it myself.
When I looked up and around, I discover all four members of our family with the most hilarious expressions on our faces...wrinkling our chins.

*Go ahead, look in the mirror and wrinkle your chin. Better yet, ask someone else if THEY can wrinkle their chin. Clay thinks you should also ask them to say, "Dur" when they make the face. Either way, just TRY not to laugh.*

This whole exchange was innocent enough, but it made me laugh until I cried...and then I just started crying. Right there at the breakfast table.
My husband's eyes got big - eyebrows raised. I had to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and responded, "Guess I just needed a good cry. I don't know WHAT is going on with me."
I really didn't.

I still don't know what that was all about.
How does one emotion switch to another so quickly?
I could complain, but instead I praise God for the emotions He gave me. Because of them, I can easily cry WITH loved ones and FOR them. I can embrace their excitement and easily share my own.
And then, then there is the laughter. It comes easily - even in the middle of arguments, fear, or sadness.
All it takes is a clever comment and my emotions get distracted from the intensity of the moment. (As you could already guess, Clay REALLY appreciates - and takes full advantage of - that quality.)

Thank you Lord for those ever-changing emotions, a husband who handles them well...and thank you for laughter that leads to tears.

Ten Quotes from 3 Days

In a restaurant on our way to Toledo, Ohio, I heard myself say:
1. "Stop stealing his french fries - they are the only part of the meal he is actually eating (and you're making him mad)."
2. "Did you just move the table over so he would get TRAPPED under it?"
3. "Please don't tell him that he has to pee in a cup, let him out of the booth so he can use the restroom."
All of these statements were said TO MY HUSBAND.
I am not easily shocked; but on occasion, I do a double-take at what I hear coming out of the mouths of my family members (including my own).

When we got to our Toledo hotel, we discovered that neither of my boys packed a toothbrush. (They remembered DS games and movies for the car, but nothing they could use for hygiene). The hotel would have sold us a toothbrush for a measly $6...but cheap frugal that we are, we sent them to bed with stanky breath and grimy teeth and plans to shop the next day.
We skipped the store before our early judo tournament due to time, so one of my boys tried to use his halitosis for his benefit. He said, 4."I breathed on him in hopes that he'd pass out, and I could get out of the pin." Too bad it didn't work, we would gladly be skipping brushing for ALL future judo events.

When we finally had time to hit the local discount megastore, our 3rd grader found a toothbrush and begged  5. "It has my name on it AND it lights up. Please Mama, please, please, please can I have it?" (batting eyelashes at Grandma while innocently smiling at me. Did I mention that my parents came along on this trip?) I went ahead and bought it. (It's such a small price to pay for the joy of my offspring.) Oh wait, at the checkout, we discovered that the toothbrush cost us $6! I should have just saved myself the trip and bought one at the hotel.

My mother is quite conservative. I respect her greatly for her desire to bring God glory through her speech and actions. I am also VERY AWARE that my husband has a different view of what brings God glory...and I sometimes feel stuck between these two worlds. I'm not sure how many times this weekend that I said to ALL THREE OF MY MEN, 6."Oooo, please don't say/do/think that in front of Grandma..."

At one point in the past three days, my youngest son strode casually through the hotel suite living room on his way to the bathroom. He was buck naked and loudly announced, 7."I have to take a dump before I shower." Then, he proceeded to lock the bathroom door because he 8."needed some privacy." 
Does anyone else see the irony in this picture? I pointed it out to him...and he snickered.

We visited the Toledo Art Museum on our last day away - which was AWESOME (and free). While there, we were able to watch a glass blowing exhibition AND listen to some chamber music recitals (many musicians were blowing wind instruments). These two experiences sparked many comments and chuckles centered around the fact that  9."Toledo Art Museum REALLY blows." 


After returning home on Sunday, I was thinking about the bathroom I saw at the glass museum (and wondering if the glass sinks had been hand-made). I started mentally redecorating our own master bathroom and asked, "If we take down this mirror and replace it, where would we put this HUGE old mirror?" My husband (with toothbrush hanging out of his mouth) pointed into the bedroom - at the ceiling.
10. "No we are NOT hanging it THERE," I replied. (That'll teach me to dream about redecorating.)
_________________________________

These are just a few of the statements that I remember from our trip away. (The ones I can blog about without COMPLETELY losing all of your respect.)
I love my family and how much they make me laugh...even if their actions sometimes make me question my own ears...or mouth.

This post is linked up to Top Ten Tuesday and Hip Homeschool Hop

How Do I Answer THAT?

Source: writings-onthewall.com via Becky on Pinterest

Sometimes I get quiet.
Don't laugh, it's been known to happen.
Unfortunately, it usually means that something is wrong...

When my husband notices the lack of chatter in the room, I often hear, "You alright? Seems like you've got something on your mind."
He is willing to let me process out loud. He's a good man (he actually LIKES it when I talk).
This method works GREAT - when I'm thinking about our children, their schoolwork, or prayer concerns for friends. I'm soon back to my gabby self.

Problem:
Sometimes I'm quiet because I'm irritated at HIM and trying to talk myself down from the emotional ledge I'm teetering on. I know that I am too volatile emotionally engaged to calmly discuss a subject where he is SO VERY WRONG we obviously have differing opinions.
I know I should shut up, but I need a healthy response to his innocently asked, "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

I mean, if he's ASKING,  then it must be the PERFECT time to share how irritated I am that he sat on the couch while smelling like a campfire (right after I casually pointed out that he was stinking up my upholstered chair by doing the same thing).
Wait. Maybe it's not the perfect time to speak. It is however, the time to put my tongue in my pocket (wouldn't THAT be a nice feature) and pray.
Our marriage and my respectful behavior toward him mean more than ANY silly couch. I need to keep that in mind. Things will go much better if I let the Holy Spirit work in both of our attitudes instead of lecturing him like I'm his MOM.

Yes, this example is a bit ridiculous with it's smoky clothes and couches and such; but this kind of simple scenario happens all the time - and destroys marriages.
So, I'm looking for the perfect response when I need to uncharacteristically be quiet.
If I say, "I don't want to talk about it," I would be lying - and he might probe further.
(I'm not strong enough to resist pointing and blaming and complaining at him TWICE in a row.)

Maybe I just need to say, "I'm throwing an internal temper tantrum right now, and I need to talk to God about it rather than you...so pray that Wisdom prevails."
Yep, he'll still know it's about him...but he's a smart guy - and prayer is a much safer (and more powerful) choice than getting me to talk about what's in my head in that moment.

Clay is so gracious with me. I am TRYING to be gracious with him as well.
I'm so glad that God's grace is sufficient enough for  both of us.
Amen.

My Husband, The Saint.

Last night, I was snarky to my husband.

I only saw him for a few moments...and they were a bit "tense".

He pointed out my bad attitude.

I deflected. "I didn't mean to be harsh, why are you being so sensitive?"

We dropped it.

Well, apparently I didn't drop it...because I fought with him All. Night. Long. 

Yep, my dreams convicted me. Vague arguments, hazy frustration, a night of yucky half-conscious emotion.

I woke up exhausted...and sad.

So my husband started this morning with a wife who cried and sniffled on his shoulder before he went to work. I felt disconnected. I needed things "fixed", but he had to go.

"This is horrible!" I said. "I had a bad attitude last night, and now I'm a splotchy mess of tears and emotion. You shouldn't have to go to work and think of THIS all day."

"Yep, " he replied, "I get to think of a hot mess all day long..." (I winced) "but since you are a HOT mess, I think I can handle it." *he winked* 

And with that...everything was OK.

A man of few words...but he sure knows how to pick the right ones.

The "Little Things" About Clay

I want to acknowledge EVERY effort that my husband makes toward me.
I don't want to give apathy or division a chance to attack our marriage. Ever.
Here are some of the things I want to appreciate on a daily basis - not just when Hallmark tells me I should.

- He brings me coffee (with cream and sugar) each morning that he is home.
- He plays...with the kids, with his coworkers, with his friends. He brings energy and laughter to any atmosphere.
- He flirts with me. Often.
- He moves the furniture to sweep under it when he runs the vacuum!
- He cooks pancakes nearly every Saturday for our little boys.
- He puts toothpaste on my toothbrush for me if he knows I'm going to brush my teeth when he already has the toothpaste out for himself.
- He is authentic. If he'd make a sex joke at work, then he'd tell the same joke at church. (Always saying, "It's ALLOWED, we're MARRIED!")
- He's handy (and smart). He can fix things and build things and figure out solutions in a jiffy.
- He calls me from the speaker phone at work to ask me awkward questions in front of his coworkers. It can be a bit embarrassing at times, but it shows me that he is proud of me, enjoys my humor  -  and thinks of me even when I'm not with him.
- He is a grilling machine! I can't order a steak in a restaurant anymore because it won't measure up to the ones he makes at home.
- He calls me when he is on his way home from work so I know when to expect him.
- He lets me rest each night as he prays (and wrestles) with our children.
- He keeps the garage clean enough that we can fit both cars in it.
- I ask him daily to tell me something funny...and he does.
- He is an incredible father. Very active. Very loving. A man of character.
- I enjoy the sound of his heartbeat. It's such a good heart.
- He helps this Type-A, high expectation personality realize that there is air in this world...and that  I am allowed to sit back on occasion and BREATHE IT IN.

I could go on...but I think you get the picture.
If you ever hear me complaining about my "perfect-for-me" man, please point me back to here (and tell me to stuff a sock in it).
Amen.